Wednesday, December 29, 2004

Mr. T and Emmanuel Lewis in ‘A Christmas Dream’

A few years ago I found a photo on eBay of Mr. T dressed as Santa Claus. At first I figured it was from his day as the White House Santa. But, this photo was different. This had a different Santa suit and Emmanuel Lewis!

Yup, TV’s Webster. Of course, that’s not so surprising because I put his name in the title.

But, believe me, if I hadn’t you would be shocked right now.

So, with the knowledge of Mr. T and Webster starring in a film together, I turned to the IMDB where I found NOTHING about this film!

So, I went to Hollywood Blvd. If you have ever been to Hollywood, you have probably have been in the ‘headshot shops.’ These are stores (4 of them on Hollywood Blvd.) that sell pretty much NOTHING but movie and TV head shots. If you need to find one, someone on that street has it and will sell it to you for under $5.

After about an hour of searching I found what I was looking for.

Another picture of Mr. T and Webster, only this one also had NYC Mayor Ed Kotch. On the back it read “Mr. T and Emmanuel Lewis star in ‘A Christmas Dream’ on NBC. It also told the original airdate and the show description.

So, after searching for 6 months EVERYWHERE for this show on tape. I found it. Actually, I found two different copies of it almost at the same time.

So, here is a review you won’t find anywhere else on the web: Mr. T and Emmanuel Lewis in ‘A Christmas Dream’.



The show opens with Mr. T in a Santa suit trying very hard to talk while wearing a fake beard. Emmanuel Lewis approaches; he is a ‘latch key’ kid and doesn’t believe.

Let me be more specific, it’s not that he doesn’t believe in Santa, Emmanuel Lewis doesn’t believe in CHRISTMAS.

You probably have encountered people that don’t believe in Christmas before, be they Jews or Muslims, and you let them go on believing what they believe.

Not Mr. T.
Mr. T is determined to show Emmanuel Lewis the magic of Christmas. So much so that he bets him a dollar.

Anxious to show him some magic, Mr. T takes him to FAO Schwartz. There we find David Copperfield who is doing magic for a little girl who is far more interested in lifting up her dress than his magic tricks. This scenario would be repeated years later when Copperfield married Claudia Schiffer.


Since the magic of David Copperfield is not enough to match the magic of Christmas (or the magic of a $20 magic kit at Toys R’ Us, but that is a different matter) Mr. T takes Emmanuel on a Handsome Carriage ride through New York.



Then in a mind numbing series of travel video shots, they watch skaters in Rockefeller Center, meet Ed Kotch, sing with Maureen McGovern see the American Boy Choir and watch the Rockettes. Emmanuel even dreams he IS a Rockette.



Of course what young boy hasn’t dreamed of being a Rockette?

My favorite cameo in the picture is from ventriloquist Willie Tyler. He shows up with Lester and a new dummy named Buster.



Finally, the whole thing wraps up with Mr. T telling the story of the birth of Christ. At this point Emmanuel’s parents arrive to pick him up. Being so moved by the magic of Christmas he gives Mr. T a dollar.

Or, maybe he was moved by his desire to end this bizarre special. I would have paid a dollar for that.

Tuesday, December 28, 2004

Copper Mountain

If you go to Wal-Mart you have seen them. Big bins FULL of DVDs for $5.50.
$5.50! For those wanting to stretch their entertainment dollar, this is hard to pass up.

Inside the bin you will find several kinds of movies:

Studio films: A small portion of this bin consists of studio films that the studios decided to price low to boost sales. Titles such as 'The Truth about Cats and Dogs' and 'Elvira: Mistress of the Dark' are often in the bin.

Old public domain films: These are films where the owner decided not to pay to keep ownership of the film. These poor shortsighted souls never envisioned the $5.50 bin at Wal-Mart.
On this front, I have purchased a 2 disc set of 10 different Roy Rogers' westerns from this bin.

God awful films that aren't worth $5.50: This is the type of film 'Copper Mountain' is.

'Copper Mountain' caught my eye because of the giant picture of Jim Carrey on the cover. I am a fan of Jim Carrey and have been since I saw him on 'In Living Color'. How could it be that I did not know of 'Copper Mountain'?

I assumed that that on this disk was the greatest Jim Carrey film ever made. An Ace Ventura on skis. To confirm my assumption was the two words below Jim Carrey: ALAN THICKE.

Alan Thicke.

The almighty 'King of Television', recognized by all as 'The World's Greatest Entertainer'.

ALAN THICKE stands at 6'2" but he might as well be 8 feet tall as he stands head and shoulders above everyone else in show business.

Who can forget his legendary films and TV shows? Or his multi platinum music career with such hits as 'Your Pal Alan' and 'Thicke of You'? Or the best selling line of action figures including 'Thicke on a Stick' the number two selling toy of all time after the Rubik's Cube.

Yes, Thicke and Carrey are such a formidable duo that 'Copper Mountain' should have been the greatest thing since sliced bread (or at least the greatest Alan Thicke film since his 1998 film 'Alan Thicke Slices Bread'.)

Once I started the film, I realized I was wrong. 'Copper Mountain' may be the WORST film I have ever seen. With a running time of less than 60 minutes, I am not sure it even qualifies as a film.

But, whatever 'Copper Mountain' is, it is the worst one of those I have ever seen!

The film starts out grainy and poorly shot. We see Jim Carrey and Alan Thicke arrive at a beautiful ski lodge. Within minutes Thicke is putting the moves on the ladies and Jim is impersonating Sammy Davis Jr.

Really, and not just a brief impersonation, Jim sings the entire song Mr. Bojangles as Sammy Davis Jr. Then he tries to pick up ladies by wowing them with his ability to impersonate Colonel Potter from M*A*S*H.

Oddly enough it doesn't work.

Perhaps the women weren't into the brown knitted whale sweater he wore. Seriously, fashion of the early eighties aside, WHY would some one knit this. A brown sweater with tan WHALES knitted on it. Was there a market for such a sweater?

While Jim works his impressionist magic, Alan enters a ski competition.

Meanwhile, Rita Coolidge and a few other early eighties musicians perform ENTIRE songs on a stage set up outside the resort. In a movie less than 1 hour in length, giving 10 minutes to Ronnie Hawkins’ music seems WAY too excessive.

Suddenly the end credits roll. In the end some lessons were learned:

Jim learns to be himself, and he can get women (2 ACTUALLY!!) without impersonating others!

Alan learns not to judge fat people after he loses a skiing match to a man who he said was "so fat he probably can't get up the mountain."

And, I learned to BEWARE OF THE $5.50 BIN!!!!

Monday, December 27, 2004

Bobby Darin

Bobby Darin was one of the most popular teen idols of the 1950's.

A new feature film is set to be released starring Kevin Spacey as the Bronx born musician. I haven't seen it yet, but it should be amazing, simply because Bobby Darin's life was as fascinating and bizarre as any in show business history.

Robert Walden Cassotto was born May 14, 1936, but with a name Robert Walden Cassotto you wouldn't sell many records. Unless you work at the Virgin Mega Store, but that's really not the same thing.

Bobby is said to have chosen Darin because he saw a Chinese Restaurant with the word 'Mandarin' in neon letters. The letters 'M-A-N' were all burned out so the sign just said 'darin.'

I wish the sign had said 'Manslaughter'. Then his name would be Bobby Slaughter.

But, I would have avoided THAT Chinese Restaurant.

Bobby was a sickly child, with a serious heart condition. As a youth, he overheard doctors saying he would not live to be 16. This news emboldened Darin who worked very hard at his goal of becoming a superstar.

Eventually he climbed the ladder of the music industry with such diverse hits as 'Splish Splash' and 'Mack the Knife.'

Bobby was a brash and outspoken entertainer saying on one occasion that he wanted to be "bigger than Sinatra."

This goal was accomplished early as Darin easily eclipsed the 5' 8" Sinatra in both height and weight. Later proclamations that he would be bigger than 'that tall guy that plays Lurch' was never fulfilled.

After becoming a standout musician Darin turned to the movie screen. Darin made several movies, beginning Come September in 1960. His leading lady Sandra Dee later became his wife. Darin was a fine actor receiving an Oscar nomination for his work in the 1963 film Capt. Newman M.D.

In 1967 Sandra Dee and Darin divorced. It is said that the divorce came because Darin was upset that Dee stole his 'stage name story' and told people she named herself after a Mandees clothing store with bunch of broken lights. Then she would laugh like Vincent Price.

Bobby was very into politics at the time, working hard for Robert Kennedy. After Kennedy was shot, Bobby felt so moved he gave up all of his worldly goods and purchased a mobile home in California.

In 1968, Darin discovered his was actually his GRANDMOTHER and his sister was really his mother.

His birth mother had him out of wedlock and the family decided the 'lie' would keep shame from the family.

The family also decided to pretend that their parlor was really a living room.

These two lies haunted Darin for the rest of his life.

Speaking of life, at this point, Darin had long ago surpassed his 16 year death sentence, but was still dealing with a bad heart.

During the latter stages of his career, Bobby starred in a few low budget films, had put out several albums of very different musical styles and married Andrea Joy Yeager in June 1972.

The next year Bobby died during a heart condition. As part of his will, there was no funeral and his body was donated to the UCLA Medical Center for research purposes.

The new Bobby Darin film is called 'Beyond the Sea' and was written and directed by star Kevin Spacey. Kevin is 45 years old, Bobby died at age 37. Lurch became a U.S. Senator from Massachusetts. In 2004 ran an unsuccessful presidential campaign against President George Bush.

Saturday, December 25, 2004

The Twelve Days Of Christmas: The Song


The 12 days of Christmas always puzzled me. Why 12 days? I only got 1 day (two if you count Christmas Eve.) My Jewish friends got 8 days, so that wasn't it either. I thought perhaps it was for kids with one Jewish parent and one Christian. They added the 8 days of Chanukah and the 2 Christmas days and got 12.

I also assumed they were bad at math.

I found out recently that the 12 days refers to Dec 25th to sunset on Jan. 6th. The 12 days is pretty much an outdated phenomena today, except for this song.

The song is very easy to sing and its simple rhythm makes parody very easy. For example I wrote the following parody during a commercial break during Leave it to Beaver. It's about the Frank Capra film Mr. Smith Goes to Washington:

On the (first) day of Mr. Smith the White House sent to me
Twelve pieces of legislation
Eleven amendments
Ten pocket vetoes
Nine dead Vince Fosters
Eight Mile on DVD starring Eminem
Seven swans swimming in the reflecting pool below the Washington Monument (sing that part real fast)
Six greased palms
Five golden rules
Four Constitutions
Three French cuts of the film
Two ugly old ladies
And
A bald eagle in an oak tree

Let's take a look at the REAL lyrics in numerical order.

On the (first) day of Christmas my true love sent to me

A partridge in a pear tree
Two turtle doves
Three french hens
Four colly birds

Yup, that lyric is COLLY birds, not calling birds. Colly means black, so it is 4 black birds. Speaking of birds, what is the deal with all the birds. So far the true love has given 10 different birds and a tree! I bet the recipient was thinking "nice birds, but couldn't you buy me a sweater?"
Five gold rings

Yeah, GOLD! Now we are talking! But, isn't 5 over kill? Who are they buying this for Mr. T?
Six geese laying
Seven swans swimming

Good god! More birds! And some of these are laying, soon we will be over run with them.
Eight maids milking

Milking what? The swans?
Nine drummers drumming
Ten pipers piping

Rock on.
Eleven ladies dancing
Twelve lords leaping

People dancing and leaping. Not what I have on MY Christmas list, but it beats getting more birds.

Merry Christmas from bunchojunk.com 2004




Day Twelve
The Twelve Days Of Christmas: The Song
The 12 days of Christmas always puzzled me. Why 12 days? I only got 1 day (two if you count Christmas Eve.)
(more)



Day Eleven
Christmas Rap
It was the greatest album ever released. Christmas Rap.
Never before have two words looked so good side by side. This album was released at the end of the 1980s, so finally people could listen to 'Christmas in Hollis' and 'Ghetto Santa' on one album.
(more)



Day Ten
An Interview with a Fruitcake

In honor of the upcoming holiday, I set down with this Christmas standard, the fruitcake.
(more)



Day Nine
A Hershey Christmas

Hershey Pennsylvania, a town that smells like chocolate.
Never a bad place to visit, but the holidays are especially fun in Hershey.
I went there this weekend to take in some of the holiday events they offer.
(more)



Day Eight
Mr. T as the White House Santa
The year was 1983. Jackie Collin's 'Hollywood Wives' topped the bestseller list, the Baltimore Orioles were baseball's world champions and Ronald Reagan was in the White House.
(more)




Day Seven
Santa on the Web Part 4 (last one I promise!)
Today we explore more of jolly 'ol St. Nick's online homes. First up is santas.com. This site is pretty plain and has lots of banner ads. My favorite was for blondes.net. Santa, you old scamp.
(more)



Day Six
Santa on the Web part 3
Yikes, even more Santa sites! Let's start withsantaclausonline.com. On their front page there is an animation of Santa falling on some ice. The animation is looped so he just falls again and again. it's painful to watch. Old people like Santa have fragile hips and falls on ice tend to be very dangerous anyway.
(more)



Day Five
Santa on the Web part 2
Yup, Santa is on the internet. So, grab your mouse and let’s go!
First on the list today is santa-claus.com, a nice looking site that offers a pay service to have Santa call you! For $4.95 your child will get to interact with a pre-recorded call.
(more)



Day Four
Santa on the Web part 1
Holy Dwight Schultz! Santa is ALL OVER THE WEB. I was stunned to find out just how many websites the big guy has.
Today, let's take a look at a few of them. First off is emailsanta.com.
The main draw of this site is, of course, the ability to EMAIL Santa.
(more)



Day Three
Scary Movies About Santa Claus
I don't know why, but there are MANY horror films that revolve around Christmas. Go to your local Circuit City and you will find more holiday horror than you can shake a stick at.
(more)



Day Two
Have a Panda Christmas with eBay
HALLMARK 1999 CHILD'S FOURTH CHRISTMAS PANDA
Apparently, like 'silver' is the 25th wedding anniversary, 'panda' is the baby's forth Christmas.
This eBay item asks the question:
Do you have a 9 year old that you forgot to buy an ornament for back in 1999?
(more)



Day One
Run DMC's Christmas in Hollis
Once upon a time Santa came to Hollis Queens. Luckily Run DMC was there to give us a play by play of his appearance.
Run DMC: Christmas in Hollis
It was December 24th on Hollis Ave after dark
When I see a man chilling with his dog in the park
I approached very slowly with my heart full of fear
(more)


Friday, December 24, 2004

Christmas Rap

It was the greatest album ever released.

Christmas Rap

Never before have two words looked so good side by side. This album was released at the end of the 1980s, so finally people could listen to 'Christmas in Hollis' and 'Ghetto Santa' on one album.

This compilation album was released at the same time as that goofy 'Very Special Christmas' album that featured 'Christmas In Hollis' as well as Madonna's grating 'Santa Baby', a song that never seems to disappear from the holiday Christmas rotation.

THAT album, with songs from such artists as Sting and The Pretenders, offered little to hip hop fans.

So, Christmas Rap was the clear choice for all 'Christmas In Hollis' fans.



The cover of the album features a pair of gift wrapped legs wearing Christmas lights and Run DMC's signature Adidas Superstar sneakers. I assume it wasn't Run DMC under the gift wrap, and I am glad I didn't have to unwrap it to find out.

'Christmas In Hollis' has already been covered on this site, and although that is the most interesting track on the album, it is FAR from the only interesting track on the album.

After Run DMC's ode to collard greens and Adidas there were 8 other hip hop tracks. You can hear sample of the tracks on CD Universe.

Sweet Tee - Let the Jingle Bells Rock
Sweet Tee comes in with a sing song-y rap called 'Let the Jingle Bells Rock'. The title is rather odd, since I don't think anyone was trying to stop the rocking of the Jingle Bells. Either way, I am sure Bill Haley will turn over in his grave when he hears this song. That is, if he hears it AFTER he dies. If he hears it now he will probably just lie on the floor and start turning over.

LYRICS:
what! you didn't know Christmas went hip hop
check the clock and let the jingle bells rock

I saw a wreath hanging on every door
Santa on the corner getting cash for the poor
people shopping, their eyes filled with gleam
store windows have a Christmas theme
chestnut roasting champagne toasting
kids on the corner with their new toys boasting

I like the line "their eyes filled with gleam." One would think she wanted to say GLEE (great merriment), but it didn't rhyme. So instead we get GLEAM (reflected light.) Granted the eye can reflect light, but somehow it seems like a bizarre anatomy fact for a Christmas rap song.

Dana Dane Is Coming To Town - Dana Dane
The ultra cool Dana Dane reminds us what he feels the holidays are TRULY about: DANA DANE.

Ghetto Santa - Spyder-D
A smattering of synthesized Christmas tunes and the words 'pump it up' accompany this first person account of Ghetto Santa's Christmas operation. It's pretty much the same as regular Santa, with more Ghetto.
That, by the way, is the Easter Bunny's slogan.

THE EASTER BUNNY: LIKE SANTA, WITH MORE GHETTO

Christmas In The City - King Sun-D Moet
Maybe it's just because This song is 4th on the album, but it really sounds like King Sun-D Moet just took all the previous songs and stitched them together in hopes of making one MEGA SONG!

Chillin' With Santa - Derek B
Derek B tells the story of how Santa called upon him one year to help out with Christmas. It's a shame that Santa called upon Derek B back then when he was busy making music. He should call Derek B up THIS Christmas. I am sure he has plenty of time this year.

He's Santa Claus - Disco 4
Santa, who really needs to hire some full time help, calls upon the Disco 4 who help him deliver presents.
You know with all of the rap connections it's no surprise Santa hasn't been gunned down in one of those 'East Coast/West Coast' feuds.

That's What I Want For Christmas - The Showboys
The Showboys don't put much effort into their track, they just take a sample of 'White Christmas' and then mention all the expensive gifts they want.

LYRICS:
(White Christmas sample)I'm dreaming of a-
Mansion and a Yacht

I am glad they weren't on my Christmas list.

Surf M. C. New Year, A - Surf M. C.'s
Surf M.C.'s make a valiant effort to link Christmas AND New Years in their track to help make it relevant for an extra week.
They say Santa will bring you surfing stuff if you are a good boy or girl.

I am sure the Showboys will be disappointed. Maybe they will have to wait for Derek B, the Disco 4 and Ghetto Santa to bring them their mansion and yacht.

Thursday, December 23, 2004

An Interview with a Fruitcake

In honor of the upcoming holiday, I set down with this Christmas standard, the fruitcake.

SWEETIE: Hello Elton John!
FRUITCAKE: What?
SWEETIE: It was sort of a joke. Fruitcake, get it?
FRUITCAKE: Because he's gay.
SWEETIE: Yeah, just a joke, though.
FRUITCAKE: Sure, pretty harmless.
SWEETIE: I like Elton, I just thought it would make people laugh.
FRUITCAKE: Oh yeah, that is pretty funny.
SWEETIE: Yup.
FRUITCAKE: Is that all you got?
SWEETIE: Pretty much.
FRUITCAKE: OK... uh... bye.
SWEETIE: Nice taking to you.
FRUITCAKE: Yeah, you too.

Wednesday, December 22, 2004

A Hershey Christmas


Hershey Pennsylvania, a town that smells like chocolate.

Never a bad place to visit, but the holidays are especially fun in Hershey.

I went there this weekend to take in some of the holiday events they offer. Most of these events appear on the Hershey website.

First thing I saw was the Hershey Sweet Lights. This was a drive through attraction that featured tons and tons of Christmas lights.

The lights were divided into sections such as 'Toys of the Century' and 'The 12 Days of Christmas.'

The lights were pretty amazing but I was disappointed with some of the 'Toys of the Century' selections. When I entered the section, I thought it would be like the Toys that Stand the Test of Time article that appeared on bunchojunk.com a while back.

Instead it was full of boring toys like blocks.
There were a couple of interesting toys, like a wind up monkey that plays the cymbals, but most were absolutely dull.

The one I disagree with most was the jump rope.

The jump rope is not a toy! It is an activity that can be done with any piece of rope of sufficient length!

I propose that next year they include the Robops.

At the Hershey Lodge I attended a musical entitled Christmas in Chocolate Town. It was a lot of fun and featured many great Christmas songs.

My favorite was Run DMC's Christmas in Hollis sung by a guy in a teddy bear costume. I couldn’t believe my eyes. At first I thought I was experiencing some chocolate induced Yule tide hallucination, but it actually happened!

Hershey Park is the towns famous thrill park. They are open for the Christmas season under the name Candylane. With freezing temperatures, they don't open any of their giant coasters but they do open some of the kid’s rides. They also have meals with Santa and costumed characters that pose for pictures.

The costumes were so cute; I wanted to bite the Gingerbread Man. I also wanted to bite a guy who was selling kettle corn, but that was for different reasons. Hey! Perhaps I was experiencing chocolate induced Yule tide hallucinations!

Speaking of which, I saw a mural that depicted a little girl keeping watch as her friend huffs chocolate from an enormous bottle. It was a bit frightening.


Also at the theme park they have the 'Kissmastree' a Christmas tree that has had the Christ removed and replaced with giant Hershey Kisses. They may not have died for your sins, but they are TASTY!

Also at Hershey Park was the Reindeer Pen where you can see live reindeer eat, sleep and fight. Donner and Blitzen were butting heads when I arrived and they were STILL butting heads when I left.

If you go to Hershey in the next few weeks, make sure to find out who won for me.

PRICES:
Hershey Sweet Lights: $15 a carload
Christmas In Chocolate Town Musical Celebration: $41.95 a person
Hershey Park Candylane: Free (rides and shows have individual admission prices)

The Real Gilligan's Island

SPOILER ALERT: I will reveal the ending of the reality show 'The Real Gilligan's Island' in this article.
SPOILER ALERT #2: I will also reveal the real name of the actor who played Potsie on Happy Days.

When I first heard of 'The Real Gilligan's Island' I was a bit skeptical. I was a big fan of the original show. The original show is the REAL Gilligan's Island.

I have never seen Survivor (the TV show, not the 80's rock band -although I never saw them either) and I feel I am a better person for it.

I remember everyone gathering around the TV to see the end of it, babbling incoherently about how each of these people on the show were going to be rich and famous movie stars now because of their participation in this show. I could care less.

But, I became hooked on The Real Gilligan's Island.

The setup was similar to the real show, 7 stranded castaways on an island. For this show, however, they had two teams of castaways. They would be eliminated in a series of competitions, and then keep competing until there is only one castaway left.

The winner gets $250,000, a Ford Mustang and gets rescued. The losers stay on the island and die. Seriously, that is how they explained the rules. The top prize is to get rescued; the losers are stuck on the island.

Yeah, even stupid people had their intelligence insulted by this show.

Skipper with a mustache vs. Skipper with a Santa beard: Actually there was no winner here. Believe it or not, mustachioed Skipper had a heart attack early in the game and left the island.

Gay Professor vs. Old Professor: Gay Professor came off as an annoying jerk. Old Professor beat him in the first contest and Gay Professor was gone.

Girl Next Door Mary Ann vs. Girl Who Actually Looks Like The Girl Next Door Mary Ann: I hate when people say 'girl next door' where do they live? My neighbor is a fat guy from Albania. Both Mary Anns were cute, the sexier one won in a coconut collecting contest.

Eccentric Millionaires vs. Arrogant Millionaires: Eccentric is a very nice way to put it. The woman was insane! Every shot that they chose to use in the show showed her complaining and bad mouthing EVERYONE. She also was responsible for the most gay-bashing on TV since Roddy Piper went on Adrian Adonis' Flower Shop.
Her and her husband lost to the other set during a reality show 'eat a bunch of gross animal parts competition.'

Rachael Hunter vs. Nicole Eggert: Rod Stewart's ex-wife and one of the stars of 'Charles In Charge' were tapped to represent the Movie Star on the show. Sadly, Nicole lost their head to head competition.


Nerd Gilligan vs. Ben Affleck In Good Will Hunting Gilligan: I swear, he reminded me so much of Ben Affleck in that movie. Of course, I spent most of that movie pointing at Robin Williams and saying things like "naa noo, Mork calling Orson" and "Flubber! Come back here Flubber!"
The Nerd Gilligan, Gilligan Gooner was the HIGHLIGHT of the show for me. I thought he was a riot. I almost stopped watching when he lost his competition.

When show came down to the remaining seven castaways it really started to go down hill. First, they stopped doing elimination competitions and started voting each other off.

This was ESPECIALLY stupid since the Millionaires got TWO votes. I think it would have made more sense if they had shared a vote (or shared a condo with Anson Williams who played Potsie on Happy Days.)

To top it off, they convinced Gilligan and Mary Ann (who were making out with each other at this point) to vote lock step with them.

Gilligan and Mary Ann started getting goofy for each other in the first moments of the first episode. In episode 4, Mary Ann won a challenge that gave her a pepperoni pizza for two with the castaway of her choice. She chose Gilligan. As they ate pizza they promised not to vote each other off.

As a side note, if I had one the pizza I would have chosen Skipper to eat it with me. Seriously, how many people can say they ate pepperoni pizza with a guy dressed as the Skipper wearing a Santa beard?

So the 'alliance' between Mary Ann, Gilligan and the Millionaires voted off the Professor.

At this point Gilligan realizes that now the chance of voting off the Millionaires is almost IMPOSSIBLE and he breaks the alliance. It doesn't matter, with three votes they were still able to vote off Rachael Hunter, the Skipper and finally Gilligan.

This left three castaways The Millionaires (who promised Mary Ann that they would draw straws to see who would be the winner, but then said on camera that they would just vote her off when it came down to the end) and Mary Ann (who is cute, but dumb as a box of Frisbees.)

Luckily, they didn't have to vote at this point, instead they had to build an SOS sign and light a flare.

Mr. Millionaire won the race and the show ended. It was pretty disappointing, and predictable. Unlike Gilligan's Island the show provided few laughs and whereas Gilligan's Island showed people working together to help each other, this just showed a sleazy guy with a lot of money in the bank making a fool out of Mary Ann.

I would have rather watched 'The Real We Got It Made.

Tuesday, December 21, 2004

Mr. T as the White House Santa

The year was 1983. Jackie Collin's 'Hollywood Wives' topped the bestseller list, the Baltimore Orioles were baseball's world champions and Ronald Reagan was in the White House.

As a former matinee idol, Reagan had a lot of friends in Hollywood. So, it was no surprise that he chose the year’s biggest star to be Santa at the White House. Then he found out that E.T. wasn't real and went with the year’s SECOND biggest star.



I have always loved this photo. Mr. T wearing Santa's suit (sans sleeves), with his trademark gold chains, looks a little confused.

And why shouldn't he be. He is at the White House, with the First Lady of the United States sitting on his lap and kissing him on the forehead. This is an honor usually reserved only for the President's themselves (and Paco, Rosalyn Carter's pool boy.)

Also, notice that Mr. T and Nancy are both holding Mr. T action figures. I am not sure what they did with them, but I hope that after the photo was taken Mr. T and Nancy ripped open the boxes and made the figures fight like rock 'em sock 'em robots.

MR. T: Hey, let's have our action figures fight!
NANCY: OK, yours can be Jimmy Carter and mine can be Paco.

I had Mr. T sign my copy of this photo a while back. His eyes lit up when he saw it.
"Look, it's me and Nancy!" Mr. T then showed the photo to the security guards and other bystanders. Everyone seemed amazed.

As a matter of fact, Mr. T was so amazed by the whole event that when he spoke at Reagan's re-inauguration he said "Only in America could a black man from Chicago go to the White House pretending to be a white man from the North Pole and not get arrested."

I don't know if other celebrities have played Santa at the White House since 1983. If they did, they had some pretty big shoes to fill.

The Hooters' Menu

Hooters is a restaurant more famous for their staff than their food.

It's no wonder, since the Hooter girl has become as famous a symbol of beauty as the Rockettes and the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader. Lately, Hooters restaurants have been springing up everywhere. There is even one located on fabulous Hollywood Blvd, across from Grauman's Chinese Theater.

On the inside Hooters resembles your typical theme restaurant. Large TVs, lots of posters and junk hanging on the walls. Many have some sports memorabilia on display, such as the hood of a formula one race car. The walls are also adorned with signs (ex: Caution-Blondes thinking) and photos of celebrities dining at various Hooters nationwide.

My favorite is the one of Mohammad Ali and Geraldo Rivera at a Hooters in Memphis. Elvis would be proud.

If you have never been to Hooters, it is probably far less sexy or sleazy than you would imagine. The Hooters girl outfit covers more skin than most girl’s summer outfits today, and far more than the outfit Ariel wears at Walt Disney World. The place is also actively trying to get families to work there with promotions such as 'kids eat free' days.

Heck, I even saw one that had Spongebob Squarepants doing an appearance.
The menu is full of "jokes" I put the word jokes in quotes because... well... you'll see.

On the front, the menu reads:
We proudly present the soon to be relatively famous Hooters of (name of the town or city)


Inside, the menu is divided into sections appetizers (called Hooterstizers), seafood, sandwiches, etc. Under some of the items more 'jokes' can be found.
Grilled mahi sandwich
so good it should be Jacques Cousteau's poster fish
Ham and cheese sandwich
The piggy came from a market, the cheese came from a cow. We added some secret sauce and they're on a roll now.


On the back cover they have 'The Hooters Saga' a silly story that tells the 'origin' of the chain. It is pretty funny, it’s like Gonzo from the Muppet Show had dementia and a typewriter and this was the result.

At the bottom they have their logo 'Hooters-Delightfully tacky yet unrefined' and a list of merchandise. One of the items reads 'Hooters Calendar: The only way you'll get a date in this place.'

Harsh reality served with a smile.

Monday, December 20, 2004

Santa on the Web Part 4 (last one I promise!)

Today we explore more of jolly 'ol St. Nick's online homes. First up is santas.com. This site is pretty plain and has lots of banner ads. My favorite was for blondes.net. Santa, you old scamp.
The most interesting part of the site was the "Christmas Traditions around the World" section. It was there that I learned that some fascinating trivia.

The two most interesting tidbits were:
1. In Micronesia the most common gift is 2 bars of soap.
2. There is a country NAMED Micronesia!

I always thought Micronesia was the name for when you cook a large dinner, but forget to take one of the side dishes out of the microwave until all the guests leave.

Despite its cool address santa.com is one of the lamest Santa sites out there. The front page plugs tons of products, everything from Satellite radio to gold chains. Inside there is... I have no idea; it is a MEMBERS ONLY SITE. I didn't register.

Jumping over to santaland.com we find ANOTHER SITE trying to claim itself as the FIRST Santa site on the net. The thing that struck me most about this site was the photo of Santa, sitting with the most sinister looking elf I have ever seen.

Jeez, that guy gives me the creeps. He looks like he just tied Mrs. Claus to the train tracks and is ready to start twirling his mustache.

My favorite Santa site is noradsanta.com. This is the governmental organization that is responsible for the aerospace defense of the United States and Canada. They have been using 'radar' to track Santa since the fifties.

Interestingly, their involvement with Santa started as an accident, when the Norad (then Conad) started receiving calls for Santa due to a typo on a department store flyer. The agents on duty presumably bored watching the sky on Christmas Eve, started checking radar for Santa and updating callers as to his local.

They have a well put together site that features 'declassified' photos of Santa. The most recent is of Santa hanging out with Aaron Carter.

Too bad Aaron wasn't hanging out with Santaland's evil elf. THAT would have been cool.

There are plenty of celebrities involved with noradsanta.com. They have many celebrity Santa trackers including Clifford the Big Red Dog, Erik Estrada and the woman who played Mrs. Cunningham on Happy Days.

My favorite celebrity tracker is Hollywood's own Johnny Grant. Johnny appears in a 30 second spot on the website where he praises Norad for their tracking of bad guys and particularly their tracking of a good guy, Santa Claus.

If the evil elf is on the sleigh, they might be doing both.

In closing, I have not even scratched the surface. There are literally THOUSANDS of Santa Claus sites on the web, but rather than alienate EVERYONE reading by becoming bunchosantawebsitereviews.com, we must move on to other junk.

Don't forget to check out:
Santa on the Web Part 3
Santa on the Web Part 2
Santa on the Web Part 1

Sunday, December 19, 2004

Santa on the Web part 3


Yikes, even more Santa sites! Let's start withsantaclausonline.com. On their front page there is an animation of Santa falling on some ice. The animation is looped so he just falls again and again. it's painful to watch. Old people like Santa have fragile hips and falls on ice tend to be very dangerous anyway.

Below the animation it says 'click Santa to enter'. What happens if I click him? Will Santa get run over by a zamboni? I am not going to bother to enter. Let's just move on before someone gets hurt.

claus.com claims to be the oldest Christmas site on the web. They have a very cute site with lots of great animation. They also offer several interactive activities and a list of ways to get on the nice list.

Let's take a look.

10. Christmas Caroling
Good tip, but don't try this in the summer. That can get you on the 'restraining order list.'
9. Always saying "please" and "thank you"
8. Wishing Santa a "Merry Christmas!" when you call him on Christmas Eve
7. Making special Christmas cards or gifts for family and friends
6. Reading or telling stories to your little brothers or sisters

I tell them the story of the guy who used to go caroling in the summer. Now he talks to himself and washes his hands until the bleed.
5. Wishing everyone you meet during the holiday's a "Merry Christmas"
How delightfully un-PC of Santa! I think you should also insist that everyone you meet worship Jesus Christ.
4. Asking Santa to bring your brother or sister that special toy you know they really want
3. Shoveling a busy neighbor's sidewalk or driveway

Shovel a busy highway, too. That will get you on the REALLY nice list.
2. Helping out with chores- without being asked!!
1. Asking your parents to donate food, toys and blankets to local charities for less fortunate families during the holiday season.


Thanks for the tip Santa. Now, stay OFF the ice!

Don't forget to check out:
Santa on the Web Part 4
Santa on the Web Part 2
Santa on the Web Part 1

Saturday, December 18, 2004

Santa on the Web Part 2

Yup, Santa is on the internet. So, grab your mouse and let’s go!

First on the list today is santa-claus.com, a nice looking site that offers a pay service to have Santa call you! For $4.95 your child will get to interact with a pre-recorded call.
According to the site "Santa Claus is brought to wonderful life by much respected English actor, Richard Carrington who has spent many years playing the Vicar in BBC Radio's long running drama "The Archers". Although pre-recorded, each Santa Call sounds incredibly "live" and allows some interaction with the child too."

They seem to be following the 'all old British guys sound like Santa' theory that is very popular in Hollywood.

Although $4.95 isn't a BAD price, you can still do better! At hollywoodiscalling.com you can get The Professor from Gilligan's Island to call and leave a personalized Christmas message for $19.95.

I ask you, puts you in the Holiday spirit: some recorded message from some British guy, or The Professor talking to you through a coconut shell?

northpole.net is one of Santa's OTHER homes on the web. This site has a nice layout and cute graphics.
The site is ad-free and offers letters from some of the key characters at the North Pole.

My favorite is Rudolph's. Among other things he says "Do you know what my favorite color of gumdrop is? Red, of course!!!!! It matches my nose!!" Uh huh. So your favorite gumdrop is the one that matches your nose. I guess 'covered with acne' was a popular gumdrop at my high school.

Another classic letter is from Mrs. Claus she talks about how busy she is, but then admits that all she has to do is make ginger bread houses and press Santa's suit.

YOU'RE WINDOW DRESSING, MRS. CLAUS, GET USED TO IT.

Don't forget to check out:
Santa on the Web Part 4
Santa on the Web Part 3
Santa on the Web Part 1

Friday, December 17, 2004

Santa on the Web part 1

Holy Dwight Schultz! Santa is ALL OVER THE WEB. I was stunned to find out just how many websites the big guy has.

Today, let's take a look at a few of them. First off is emailsanta.com.
The main draw of this site is, of course, the ability to EMAIL Santa. Still, there are a few other things to look at on the site.
'Santa's Chimney Exercises' shows, through AWFUL trick photography, Santa coming down a chimney. 'Get an autographed photo' allows you to see your name on a photo of Santa. It doesn't even remotely look signed. Would it have killed Santa to use a font that LOOKED like handwriting?
There is also a Rudolph cam that just takes you to a bright red screen. See, Rudolph's nose is SOOO bright that it blocks your view of everything.

One of the drawbacks to the site is the transitions. Each page takes FOREVER to 'transmit' from the North Pole (occasionally the transitions are accompanied by elf voice overs.

As for emailing Santa, the site lets you fill in the blanks to a form letter and then a form letter response APPEARS on your screen.

The blanks include:
-How old are you?
-Where do you live?
-What do you want for Christmas?

Here are the highlights of Santa's response to my letter:

#1, Rudolph Way
North Pole, Canada
HOH OHO


Bunchojunkwood, California
United States
Tuesday, December 14, 2004


HO!! Ho!! ho!! Sweetie!!

Thank you for sending me your email all the way from Bunchojunkwood! The Net sure is wonderful because now I never feel lonely all the way up at the North Pole. An email from you, Sweetie, sure makes my day!

Well call me the King of Jing-a-Ling, Sweetie! Are you fibbing to ol' Santa Claus?!? You can't possibly be 25 years old already! Why it seems like only yesterday that I was leaving presents for a certain little boy and here you are now, practically one of Santa's elves! (*grin*)

Let's see what you put in your letter for Christmas wishes: 1. big old bucket of phat cash; 2. pizza and; 3. a night with Angelina Jolie. HO!! Ho!! ho!! Can I tell you a secret? I thought it might be fun to get Mrs. Claus something just like that for Christmas too! Let's hope the elves can make enough of them for everyone!

Oh! oh! The Grinch is trying to steal some of Mrs. Claus' cookies! That Grinch sure is funny. He may not like Christmas, but he sure likes those cookies! Well, I better go stop him before he snitches them all. Take care Sweetie and don't forget to come back and visit me here at EmailSanta.com on Christmas Eve!! And remember... only 11 more sleeps until Christmas!!

All My Love,

Santa Claus

So, what did we learn from Santa's letter?

1. Santa and Mrs. Claus have a very open (and frightening) marriage.
2. Dr. Seuss needs to work harder to defend its copyright on The Grinch.
3. This Christmas there will be Angelina Jolie for EVERYONE!

Next site I visited was
santaclaus.com
Really LAME interface, very few graphics and plenty of ads.
Speaking of which, there is a section called 'Santa's Favorite Books and other Gifts'.
Here you learn that Santa REALLLY LOVES THE IPOD. I am not kidding, every where you look on this site there is the Ipod. Jeez.

They also have a link to email Santa, and this time you can write whatever you want. I have no idea what the reply would be since I haven't gotten one yet. According to the site these are possible reasons why:
Once again, Santa and the elves will be answering all email and accepting emailed gift lists! All letters to Santa will receive a response -- however, it is possible that not every question will be answered due to time constraints on Santa and the elves. If you do not receive a response it could mean one of several things: your return email address is set incorrectly, your email to Santa got lost in cyberspace (it happens), your internet service provider is blocking email (AOL/America Online is very bad about this, EarthLink isn't too good either), or the response got lost in cyberspace. Please check your return email address in your mailer before sending a message to Santa!

Wow, they sure sucked the fun out of emailing Santa with that disclaimer. Also, I am not surprised AOL and Earthlink are on their naughty list.

In conclusion, Santa's out there and he is ready to listen to you.

I just hope my Angelina Jolie doesn't get lost in cyberspace (it happens.)

Don't forget to check out:
Santa on the Web Part 2
Santa on the Web Part 3
Santa on the Web Part 4

Thursday, December 16, 2004

Scary Movies About Santa Claus


I don't know why, but there are MANY horror films that revolve around Christmas. Go to your local Circuit City and you will find more holiday horror than you can shake a stick at.

That is mostly because of Circuit City's anti-stick shaking policy.

CIRCUT CITY EMPLOYEE: Hi, can I help you?
SWEETIE: No thanks. I just came to see if I would be able to shake this stick at your horror section.
CIRCUT CITY EMPLOYEE: You can't do that. Hey! Didn't I throw you out last week for violating our dress code?
SWEETIE: It says 'shoe and shirts must be worn' it says NOTHING about pants, you fascist!


Anyway, if you want to add a little 'GHOUL-tide to your yuletide,' make sure to pick up one of these films for yourself or someone you love:

Silent Night, Deadly Night (parts 1-5):
When the first film was released in 1984 the concept of mixing horror with Santa outraged some parents groups that protested the release of the film.
This, of course, led to the film becoming a bigger hit than it likely would have been otherwise.
The first film tells the story of a boy who is traumatized when his parents are killed by a man in a Santa suit. So, when he grows up he gets a job- AS A STORE SANTA. Next thing you know, people are taken on a slay ride. GET IT! A 'SLAY' RIDE! I can't take credit for that joke. That is the name of the company that made the film.
The sequels all play with the holiday horror concept, but (for the most part) they stray from the original story line. Part three is my favorite of the bunch, part four is awful. It doesn't even have anything to do with Christmas.

Silent Night, Bloody Night:
This actually has nothing to do with Christmas or Santa, but I thought it did because of the title. I was duped. Don't follow in my footsteps.

Tim Burton's The Nightmare Before Christmas:
Tim Burton did not write or direct this movie. He wrote children's book that it was based on and he produced it. Talk about a GLORY HOUND.
Now that THAT has been said, this is one of the greatest movies I have ever seen. It tells the story of a walking skeleton who decides to kidnap Santa Claus so he can take over Christmas. This has all the ingredients of a good horror film... except the actually scares... and John Saxton.

Christmas Evil:
A dark film about a man who loves Christmas and decides to punish naughty people by killing them. It is also known as 'Terror In Toyland.' I like the title, although today it suggests an Austin Powers claymation special.

Santa Claws:
A horror comedy about you guessed it: a gun toting attorney in search of buried treasure.
Just wanted to see if you were paying attention. It's about a killer Santa.

Black Christmas:
A 1974 gem about a killer who strikes a house as Christmas approaches.

The Polar Express:
A terrifying film about zombie-like humanoids that ride a train to the North Pole with a ghostly hobo. If that isn't enough to keep you away I have 2 words: PETER SCOLARI!

Wednesday, December 15, 2004

Have a Panda Christmas with eBay


HALLMARK 1999 CHILD'S FOURTH CHRISTMAS PANDA
Apparently, like 'silver' is the 25th wedding anniversary, 'panda' is the baby's forth Christmas.
This eBay item asks the question:
Do you have a 9 year old that you forgot to buy an ornament for back in 1999?

There is no shame in admitting it. Perhaps you were so busy fearing Y2K that you just never got to Hallmark.
Now, you can repair your child’s scarred psyche with the 1999 baby's fourth Christmas panda ornament.

BUT THAT'S NOT ALL!

At last count, there were over 80 items on eBay that come up when you type "Panda Christmas" into eBay's search engine!




Christmas Panda Bear and Penguin
This listing is for the dynamic duo of a panda AND a penguin candle. The panda, decked out in his red sweater and green hat is clearly trying to show his love for Christmas (or Freddy Krueger.)
So as not to confuse anyone of his intentions, the penguin has 'I love Christmas and you' tattooed on his chest.
In the photo, the bear is looking away from the penguin's message of love. He is either uninterested, or playing hard to get.
If the unrequited love of a penguin and a panda don't get you in the Christmas spirit, I don't know what will!

2002 Child's Third Christmas HALLMARK Panda TRAIN * NR!
WHAT! Baby's THIRD Christmas can be a panda Christmas too??? Wow! Maybe every Christmas could be all about pandas!

Christmas Panda Bear Tin Serving Tray plate bowl candy dish
It's a tin! It's a serving tray! It’s a plate! It's a bowl! It's a candy dish!
It's a magic 5 in 1 kitchen MIRACLE! How much would you pay for this? Well, act now and you can get it for the low opening bid of $0.99! Imagine the conversations you could have.

LIL' JIMMY: Dad, Billy says this is a plate, but I told him it was a bowl. Then Ricky said it was a candy dish and his mother said it was really a tin. But, Uncle Carl called it a serving tray! Who is right?
DAD: Actually, son, you’re ALL right!
LIL' JIMMY: You’re not my real father, jerk!


Panda Bear Red Quilted Christmas Tree Skirt Vintage WOW
If your tree is looking for something christmassy to wear for that night on the town, look no further!
Red, covered in pandas and very festive.
Plus, it has a slit ALL THE WAY up the back, because let's face it: your tree is a tramp.

Fake LiveSTRONG bracelets

Go to any supermarket, hair salon or rotary phone repair shop and you will see tons of yellow bracelets.

The bracelets, which look like large rubber bands, are part of a campaign to promote cancer awareness. LiveSTRONG is the mantra of everybody's second favorite bike rider, Lance Armstrong.

Of course, Evel Knievel is everyone's FAVORITE BIKE RIDER. (Try jumping OVER the Tour de France next time, Lance.)

The bracelets are made by Nike and used for two purposes. First, at $1 a piece, they generate a decent amount of charity. Second, they promote interest in cancer research, which could lead to more charitable donations.

But, as always, where there is charity there are hucksters.

Not long after the bracelets were introduced, they became the latest fashion statement. Much like the red cancer ribbons of the early 1990s, people wore the bracelets to say 'I care.' Others wore two bracelets to say 'I care even more.' A certain nightclubs people wore bracelets to say 'I can go out and smoke and then re-enter without paying a second cover charge.' Those were, however, a different kind of bracelet.

Soon, stores started marking up the bracelets and selling them for 2 dollars or making the bracelets part of in store promotions, violating the LiveSTRONG rules.

Also, other people were making pink bracelets to show support for breast cancer.

Then, shady individuals realized THEY WERE JUST RUBBER BANDS. Suddenly, bootleg bracelets were popping up at flea markets, dollar stores and yes, rotary phone repair shops (if I keep writing it, it may start to sound funny.)


I went to my local dollar store where the bracelets were available. Unlike some stores they sold ones that said 'LiveStrong.' Some other bootlegs say things like 'support a cure', 'you can do it!' and the very bold 'LiveStronger.'

The packaging looks similar to the Nike bracelets at first glance, yet it doesn't carry the Nike logo. The other thing I noticed was that the dollar store sold this bracelet in EVERY color you could imagine. I chose the standard yellow and, just because it will match my Barbie dream house, pink.

As I went to grab the bracelets from the cardboard box on the dollar store floor, I noticed something else. EVERY BRACELET WAS A DIFFERENT SIZE. Not just a 'youth' and an 'adult' size, these imperfect bracelets were incredibly inconsistent. Some weren’t even round.

I think it is amusing that the dollar store couldn't even make a rubber bracelet with the same quality as the original. Perhaps the fumes from the melted rubber made the dollar store sweat shop workers loopy. Still, it is no excuse for THIS poor quality. Remember, the sell the bracelets for the SAME price as Nike and they give NOTHING to charity.

So, I grabbed two that look close to the size of the real one I have.


After I tore them from the package and tried them on I noticed the bracelet was still very tight. Also, the cheap rubber is uncomfortable and tends to cling to anything it touches. It's like a wacky wall crawler that you wear on your wrist (minus the wackiness.)

To top it off, the fake bracelets don't stretch like the Nike version, making it hard to put the bracelet on and off, and after putting it on ONCE, it already has some small tears in it.

I can't recommend the fake bracelet, true it would seemingly fulfill the requirement of bringing awareness to the disease, but it doesn't directly give any money to charity.

Also, it gives money to people who can't make a decent rubber band, and that isn't good.

Good bye for now, I'll see y'all at the rotary phone repair shop.

Monday, December 13, 2004

Superman vs. Mohammad Ali

I have stumbled across this comic many times over the years but I have never sat down and read it until today.
I am not sure why, I have always been curious, since I am a fan of Superman and Ali.
I also wanted to know how the heck the two of them got in the ring, and why Ali was able to LIVE after his bout with Superman.

FOR GOD'S SAKE HE IS SUPERMAN!

All due respect to Ali, but this is like pitting Hulk Hogan against the Brooklyn Brawler.

Now I KNOW what happens and I will share it with you. If you don't want the story spoiled for you, click here and you can read the whole comic online.

The cover has some awesome artwork, including just about every celebrity they could think of drawn into the audience. Everyone from Lucille Ball to Batman has shown up for the fight.

BUT WHY ARE THEY FIGHTING?

The comic opens up in the ghetto of Metropolis. Clark Kent, Lois Lane and Jimmy Olsen are off to meet Ali on a schoolyard basketball court. Ali tells us "In the ring I'm the greatest. In the schoolyard I am merely terrific."

Bold words, Ali. Ali may be good a Boxing, but lets see how he ranks against the GREATEST ATHLETE OF ALL TIME: AIR BUD!

BASKETBALL
ALI: Terrific, he said so himself
AIR BUD: Also terrific

SOCCER:
ALI: Unknown.
AIR BUD: See 'World Pup'

BASEBALL:
ALI: Unknown
AIR BUD: See 'Seventh Inning Fetch'

BOXING:
ALI: The Greatest
AIR BUD: Alright, so Ali is a better boxer.
Anyway, back to the comic book. As Jimmy Olsen talks to Ali and an Alien named 'The Scrubb' comes down to talk to Ali. Kent steps into an alley and becomes Superman. When he arrives to 'save' Ali, the two argue about who should fight the Scrubb.

See, Ali wants to fight the aliens since HE was born on Earth and Superman was born on KRYPTON. But, Superman argues, he is a NATURALIZED citizen.

You might think this is the silliest exchange in the entire comic, but just wait a few pages.

The Scrubb insists that Ali and Superman fight each other, or else he will bomb the earth or something terrible like that. The next twenty pages or so are nothing but filler. The aliens launch a series of missiles so Superman flies into space to stop them, then they blow up an island. At some point Superman puts Ali into a plastic bubble and takes him into outer space.

Ali sees a spaceship and proclaims "Wooo-eee, thems some digs! Looks like a cross between 'Lost in Space'. 'Star Wars' and a pregnant blender."

Uh huh.

Let's play "Be Mohammad Ali" it's lots of fun.

Step 1. Look at any electronic device
Step 2. Make a loud exclamation (ex. Wooo-eee!)
Step 3. Make a reference to a TV show and a movie
Step 4. Name another, unrelated electronic device.
Step 5. Give that device a medical condition


Here are some I have tried:

The cell phone: Yippee! Looks like a cross between Knight Rider, The Computer Who Wore Tennis Shoes and a coffee machine with a bleeding ulcer!

The computer: Howwwdeee! Looks like a cross between A.K.A. Pablo, The Ghost and Mr. Chicken and a butter churner with a hangnail

The Microwave: Sluuurp! Looks like a cross between Saved by the Bell: the College Years, Bio-Dome and a television with an infected pancreas


Yeah, it's good to be Ali.

As the comic goes forward, we learn that Superman has a special boxing ring that slows time down. For some reason he also has a collection of dinosaurs because he doesn't want to collect "bottle caps."

We then meet Herbert Mohammad who is part of Ali's ring team. He looks just like Steve Harvey.

Or as Ali would say: Hot Doggie! He looks like a cross between The Cosby Show, The Little Mermaid and a toaster with the gout.

As they gear up for the fight Ali and Superman come up with a bizarre and WAY too elaborate scenario that includes someone else wearing a Superman suit and chicken people watching a boxing match.

We also learn that Superman is wearing his suit into the ring because aliens think all humans look alike (or at least Steve Harvey and Herbert Mohammad do.)

I won't give away everything about the end (mostly because I forgot a lot of it already) but they Superman and Ali don't really have a boxing match.

We do find out that Ali knows that Superman and Clark Kent are the same person and Jimmy Carter runs calls the UN at the first sign of aliens.

Still, this ISN'T the strangest Superman crossover ever:

That honor goes to the Pat Boone crossover. Yes, Superman needs to use all of his powers to stop a Pat Boone song from being a hit.

I am on the edge of my seat.

Run DMC's Christmas in Hollis


Once upon a time Santa came to Hollis Queens. Luckily Run DMC was there to give us a play by play of his appearance.



Run DMC: Christmas in Hollis

It was December 24th on Hollis Ave after dark
When I see a man chilling with his dog in the park
I approached very slowly with my heart full of fear

Jeez. Run's a wimp. Some guy is walking his dog and it sounds like Run is about to wet his pants. Get a grip brother!
Looked at his dog, oh my God, an illin' reindeer
But then I was illin' because the man had a beard

WHAT??? He was illin' because the man had a beard? What is that all about? Is Run a beard-aphobe? Good lord, let's hope they never run into someone with mutton chops!

I hope some day Run makes a horror flick.

Run's HOUSE OF 1000 BEARDS

WOMAN: I feel so protected walking with you.
MAN: Yes, but I am starting to get a five o'clock shadow!
WOMAN: (SCREAMING) Oh my god! You aren't clean shaven!
MAN: Kill me; I don't want to live with this EVIL growing from my face!

And a bag full of goodies, 12 o'clock had neared
So I turned my head a second and the man had gone
But he must have dropped his wallet smack down on the lawn
I picket the wallet up then I took a pause
Took out the license and it cold said "Santa Claus"

Oh, I didn't see that coming! So the bearded man with the reindeer was Santa?
Now, Run looks like more of a wimp. Santa is a big fat guy, hardly an imposing presence.

Then again, maybe some scary thief had stolen Santa's wallet, reindeer and beard. That would be spooky!
A million dollars in it, cold hundreds of G's

What does Santa need money for? Why did have a license? Why was he hanging around the park on the only work night of the year?
Enough to buy a boat and matching car with ease
But I'd never steal from Santa, cause that ain't right
So I was going home to mail it back to him that night
But when I got home I bugged, cause under the tree
Was a letter from Santa and the dough's for me

Now I hate Santa. Millions of poor kids around the world and he gives all of this money to an ALREADY wealthy rap star? One who wants to use it to buy a boat and a car THAT match?!?!?!?!

The song goes on to make passing references to collard greens and eggnog. It may very well be the greatest Run DMC song ever!

Now pardon me while I go shave so I can avoid terrifying 80's hip hop stars.