Thursday, September 30, 2004

We Got It Made


In 1983 NBC premiered the sitcom We Got It Made. The show was about two sloppy bachelors living in NYC. Since they wanted to keep their apartment clean, they decided to hire a live-in maid. Hysterical!
Of course, a more logical decision would have been to hire a weekly cleaning service, but using sitcom logic, a live-in maid was the answer.
The two roommates David and Jay had to constantly explain the purpose of the maid to their skeptical girlfriends. Hysterical!

The maid was Mickey, a super-hot blonde with no maid experience. Hysterical!
Mickey was part of an odd sitcom trend in the 1980's of giving female characters male sounding names. For example, Jo on Facts Of Life, Mickey on We Got It Made, and I am pretty sure there was a show with a hot chick named Sam. Sorry, I am way to lazy to research this.

I find it odd that they stuck with the traditional spelling of 'Made' in the title rather than the more appropriate and clever "We Got It Maid." Or they could have gone with the more formal "We've Got It Made" or "We Have It Maid."

I would have called it "Maid of Honor" and It would have been about about two sloppy bachelors living in NYC. Since they wanted to keep their apartment clean, they decided to hire a live-in maid. Then the maid would be drafted to fight in Vietnam. Serving in Hue, Da Nang and Ban Me Thuot, the Maid would've eventually award two medals for her outstanding valor. Then she would return to the New York apartment to work as a maid only to find that the two bachelors were now anti war protesters. Hilarity would ensue.
Then, years later, a Cuba Gooding Jr./Robert Deniro film called Men Of Honor would be released, and viewers would finally understand that the title was a play on words. No one would be amused.

The theme song for We Got It Made sounds like a Devo record played while Ray Charles, the voice of Lisa Simpson and Ann Jillian argue in a foreign language that only includes the phrases "Bop bah duh dah" and "Dee Dee Dee Dee," then they all shout "We Got It Made... Yeah!"

In a strange twist the show was canceled in 1984. Oh wait, that was the EXPECTED twist. The strange one was that the show was brought back in syndication in 1987 with new episodes. It only lasted one more season.




Some plot highlights included:

A sleepwalking Mickey ends up in the roommates' beds every night.

David and Jay try to talk Mickey out of working at a nightclub featuring nude entertainment.

Reading what she believes is Mickey's diary, Claudia (David's girlfriend) thinks Mickey wants to have David's baby.



Some plot highlights I just made up:

David rips his pants.

Jay slips on a banana peel.

David and Jay realize that they are gay and fire Mickey and hire a Butler. They change the show's title to "We Got It Butled"





Matt McCoy played David Tucker (one of the sloppy bachelors.) Here is his bio from the IMDB:
Spouse: ? (1985 - ?)
James Stewart is a huge role model. They were also born on the same month and day.

Guest-starred as Lloyd Braun, the gum-chewing former mental patient who befriends Kramer, on Seinfeld.

Fascinating, huh? He married someone in 1985. They might be married, today. Maybe they have a house. Might have been married in a church, or some other place. Wouldn't it be great if he and '?' got a maid? Maybe the maid could be a huge Jimmy Stewart impersonator. Really HUGE! Like 6 foot 5 and 500lbs. Then they could all chew gum. THEY would have 'it made!'

Anyone else remember this show?

A shocking Presidential scandal

When you think of Presidential scandal, you think of one name:

AMY CARTER
Sure, other sites are will give you information on current political scandals.
And, sure, those scandals may have some effect on your life at some point. Maybe elections will be decided and wars will be fought over THOSE scandals. But, where are those websites when you need information about thirty year old pseudo-scandals?

I'll tell you where they are... NOWHERE.

Why? Simple. They don't care about you.

CBS doesn't care about your need for Presidential offspring trivia.
NBC doesn't care about your lack of an Amy Carter fix.
KFC doesn't care about your need for small pieces of chicken in a popcorn container.

Oh, wait maybe THEY do.

Amy Carter was nine years old when her father became president in 1977. Amy lived a MUCH different life than other children her age. She had a tree house built on the South Lawn and she would have tea parties there. The difference was that Secret Service agents were posted below the tree house.

On a side note, the tree house has remained vacant for most of the past 25 years. The notable exceptions were when the Attorney General jokingly told Dan Quayle it was the Vice Presidential White House. Quayle stayed in the tree house for 6 months.
Clinton also used the tree house as his 'I'm scared if my wife so I hide in here' house.

Amy's big scandal came during the first half of her father's only term. Ordered to go to boring state dinners by her father, she brought along a children's book and read to herself during the dinner and speeches.

The scandal broke quickly with people everywhere complaining that reading in front of dignitaries was just plain rude!

'RUDE LITTLE GIRL', 'SPOILDED ROTTEN', 'READING IS BAD','BOOKS SUCK' shouted the headlines, I assume (I don't know how to work the microfilm machine at the library so I made the headlines up.)

Amy was called "a lamentably spoiled, perpetually tired, whining brat with miserable manners." by a German reporter.

In Amy's defense a German reporter also later called David Hasselhoff "An American treasure with a voice like an angel and a body like Herr Karnack!"

Probably not the SAME reporter, but who cares?

Wednesday, September 29, 2004

Freezy Freakies

In the 1980's technology was more prevalent in the world than ever before.

Inventions like cordless phones and computers captured the imaginations of millions. We cooked in a microwave, slept under a heated blanket and dreamed about Pac-Man.

LIL GUY'S PAC-MAN DREAM

Lil Guy sits at his lemonade stand.

LIL GUY: Come on! Someone buy my friggin' lemonade so I can buy tickets to see a Mister Mister concert!

Suddenly Pac-Man pulls up in an ice cream truck. He hops out and pulls out a giant comb.

PAC-MAN: Need a combing?

LIL GUY: Yes, Pac-Man, yes I do!

Pac-man begins to comb Lil Guy's hair. Suddenly Chuck Norris shows up.

CHUCK NORRIS: Lil Guy, I'm gonna knock you out.

PAC-MAN: Over my dead body, Norris.

Pac-Man jumps on top of Chuck Norris and begins pummeling him. Lil Guy grabs the lemonade pitcher and slams it over Chuck's head.


Even entertainment was inundated with technology as movies like War Games and Tron stressed both our love and fear of technology.

So it seemed natural that we had technology in our gloves.

Actually it is more science than technology, but that screws up my whole intro. So, let's pretend it is technology. Basically they were gloves with pictures on them that would appear and disappear with the temperature changes.

The gloves themselves were not very comfortable because they had to be plastic to accommodate the design.

Still, the gloves became PHENOMANALLY popular. So popular that people in the cities were getting mugged for their gloves.

MUGGED FOR THEIR GLOVES.

If that isn't a sign of the apocalypse I don't know what is.

Tuesday, September 28, 2004

Hulk Hands Poetry Slam

This is the very first post ever written for bunchojunk.com:
Here is a poem I wrote about the toy phenomenon known as Hulk Hands:

Hulk Hands
To be like Hulk, such might, such power
Hulking up and smashing walls
I slide you on, you mighty glove
Remember that little girl from the Pepsi commercials?


It appeared on the site on May 15, 2004. I think it is pretty funny, but, I obviously didn't work too hard on it.

Here is a brand new Hulk Hands poem:
I wake and Hulk Hands play around my bed
Green like Kermit to my wondering eyes
Upwards to the glorious Bixby I raise my head
Then lay me down and thoughts of Hulk arise


This is another attempt:
If Hulk Hogan stole bread in Iran
As punishment they would cut off his hand
Still, one could not wear it as a glove
That is the reason it is Hulk Hands I love


So now, it is your turn! Comment with your best Hulk Hands poem!

Monday, September 27, 2004

Vibrating pro wrestlers and other lousy toys

The WCW was the WWF's major competition for many years.

WCW stood for World Championship Wrestling. Hecklers, however, would make signs saying it stood for many other things.
Thing like 'We Can't Wrestle' or 'Worst Choice Wrestling.' Some would also put things like 'We Can't Watch' and 'Winter Coats for the poor to Wear.'

WCW was owned by Time Warner. Many people believe that Time Warner was one of the Cosby kids. It wasn't. That was Malcolm Jamal Warner.

Time Warner was on A Different World. Time Warner played Duane Wayne, I think.

The WWF had been making wrestling toys for over ten years and the WCW needed to compete.

The WWF's first line of figures was HUGE! Not just in popularity, but in size. They were about 8 inches tall and made of rubber. They were not posable, rather they could be bent, and they would spring back into place. They were molded in weird poses, many that made it IMPOSSIBLE to do a wrestling movie. These figures couldn't stand up on their own and they couldn't do much of anything, but they were fun.

The WWF followed these figures up with the thumb wrestlers. The thumb wrestlers were available 2 in a pack and you would put them on your finger to thumb wrestle. This did not help you thumb wrestle better, in fact, it made it HARDER to thumb wrestle.

I used to just take them off and make them fight against the full sized Roddy Piper, pretending that Piper had been hit with a gamma bomb (to explain his new size.)

So, it was no surprise in 1994 when WCW teamed up with Old San Francisco TOY MAKERS to make a line of WCW figures. The figures were not a success. They had the same poor articulation that the large WWF figures had, but they also did not LOOK like the real wrestlers.

However, WCW had a trick up their sleeves.

THIER FIGURES VIBRATED.

Huh? As strange as it sounds the figures had a button that, when pressed, caused the figures to vibrate.

I have no idea why this feature existed. The only reasonable use for this was to pretend that Lex Luger and Sting were watching Pokemon before a match.

Then you could press the button to simulate their epileptic seizure.

Friday, September 24, 2004

The Rainforrest Cafe

The Rainforest Cafe is the most delightful of theme restaurants. The chain, which has been expanding as of late, serves exciting food in an even more exciting atmosphere.

The restaurant looks unlike any other restaurant on earth. The walls and ceiling are covered with fake vines and plants. Diners are surrounded by animatronics animals. It's like Indiana Jones meets the Hall of Presidents (only with slightly less Abe.)

The mascot of the Rainforest Cafe is Cha-Cha, a big eyed frog. Cha-Cha looks a little like Kermit the frog only with volleyballs instead of ping pong balls.

When you enter the cafe you walk into a large gift shop. In the shop you can choose from hundreds of games, toys and house wares featuring Cha-Cha and the dozen or so other mascots they utilize. One of the products they have is a version of Monopoly called Rainforest-opoly.

Odd, I thought we WEREN'T supposed to build hotels in the Rainforest.

Before you enter the Rainforest Cafe you approach the hostess station. There you give your name and wait for them to call your party. When they do, they do it thusly:

Guy Hutchinson, safari of four, Guy Hutchinson safari of four.

SAFARI OF FOUR!

I was so excited I shot a man in a tiger costume and mounted him on the wall.

You enter the dining room through a large doorway that doubles as a fish tank. The kids LOVE it.

KID 1: Look its Nemo!
Kid 2: Wow! Look, there's Dory!
ME: Hey! It's the Incredible Mr. Limpet!
KID 2: You're a dork.
KID 1: Yeah, let's beat him up and take his Rainforest-opoly.
ME: Nooooo! Not my precious Rainforest-opoly.


The menus feature both American and Caribbean inspired dishes. The most famous menu item is the Volcano.

The Volcano is a beautiful looking dessert shaped like a volcano. When it is delivered to the table, servers shout:

VOOOLLLLLCCCCAAAAANNNNOOOOOO!

Originally when they opened they would shout:

Crappy Tommy Lee Jones movie!

But, that seemed too wordy.


Every fifteen minutes the animals erupt in a chaotic, animatronics frenzy. The fifty or so animals start jumping and screaming. They shake the trees and walls and make a lot of noise.

It's like having the Lakers win the NBA finals 4 times an hour!

Thursday, September 23, 2004

Jean Claude, Mary Kate and Ashley


In 1987 at the age of one, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen were featured in an ABC television show called Full House. The show was a big hit with drunks and derelicts who mistakenly thought it was a show about poker.

In an amazing coincidence, Full House was a replacement for a failed show called Royal Flush, about a plumber who becomes Queen of England.

Royal Flush was a big hit with drunks and derelicts who mistakenly thought it was a show about three single guys trying to raise three girls.

Through careful management and brilliant business decisions, Mary-Kate and Ashley slowly became a powerhouse brand name.

Today it is impossible to run into a mall without seeing their photos EVERYWHERE. They have everything from video games to a full line of clothing.

Yet, clearly their MOST successful venture has been home video. Aisle after aisle at Best Buy is devoted to the twin’s films.

Another big shot in the world of home video is Jean-Claude Van Damme.

Van Dammes story is quite different. Once an international box office superstar, Jean-Claude has since been relegated to the video store due to an amazing series of missteps.

In 1998 Van Damme was featured in an exciting, but thoroughly bizarre film called Knock Off. Knock Off did not electrify the box office, and was another nail in the cinematic coffin of Van Damme. After Knock Off, Van Damme quickly rushed out a sequel to his biggest hit, Universal Soldier.

The Universal Soldier sequel was not a hit. Soon the action section of your local video store was being FLOODED with straight-to-video Van Damme flicks.

He played a cop whose wife was murdered, an inmate whose wife was murdered and at one point a Chinese Rabbi who meets a female murderer who marries him, only to wind up murdered- BY HERSELF. Yes, the golden age of Van Damme was over.

One of these films was Replicant. In Replicant he played a serial killer who was cloned, so his clone could help catch him. Think about that hard enough and you might go blind in one eye.

It is with Replicant that we fully see the synergy between Van Damme and Mary-Kate and Ashley. Van Damme was basically starring in a straight to video film about two people that LOOK ALIKE. One could only assume that Mary Kate and Ashley turned it down, BEFORE Van Damme signed on.

Oddly, Van Damme has starred in THREE films playing two look-alikes.

The other two were:
Maximum Risk (1996)
Van Damme plays a policeman who takes his twin brother's place and inherits his problems and a beautiful girlfriend. Most of the problems are solved by kicking people.

and

Double Impact (1991)
Jean Claude Van Damme plays Alex and Chad, twins separated at the death of their parents. Chad is raised in Paris, Alex in Hong Kong. They then get together and kick people.

Surprisingly, he does NOT play twins in his 1997 film Double Team. Equally surprising, Mary-Kate and Ashley have never made a movie CALLED 'Double Team!'

Maybe I should suggest it! The only question left is:

Do I call them on my Mary-Kate and Ashley phone? Or, write to them on my Mary Kate and Ashley stationary?

Hmmm... The stationary. It's cuter.

Wednesday, September 22, 2004

Great cereal mascots

Ahhhh, the cereal mascot. As a child, there is NOTHING more important to consider when choosing a cereal. Even as adults this is true. Think about it, does anyone eat Wheaties for the TASTE?

With such an important role in breakfast, these 10 legends are, worth counting down.

All ten of the mascots featured on the list are CURRENTLY featured on their cereals in your supermarket. Many of them have gone through changes over the years, but they are still around.
Because of this rule, this list excludes the great "Crispy" of Crispy Critters, but you can't win 'em all.

The list also does not include any characters that are from other sources. No celebrity cereals or movie based cereals. This rule is known as the "Flintstone's Rule" designed to keep Fruity Pebbles from dominating the list. Yaba-dabba-don't-even-think-about-it.

So, in the words of Casey Kassem "how can I play Robin the Boy Wonder and Shaggy in the same episode of Scooby Doo? Won't that confuse the children?"

Oh wait, how about these words from Casey Kassem "on with the countdown."

10. Sunny (the sun) - Raisin Bran
The sun endorses Raisin Bran. The SUN! Now, THAT is an endorsement. In the commercials he used to pour two scoops of raisins into the box. He also used to wear sunglasses. I guess he wore the sunglasses to protect his eyes from... HIMSELF!
Sunny is still around, but usually without the sunglasses. I just hope he is wearing sun block.


9. Crackle (Snap, Crackle and Pop) -Rice Crispies
Crackle is truly the stand-out mascot in the trio. You may hear the others say that the cereal is crispy in milk, but Crackle makes you believe it. You know when he tells you, that he is... ah, I'm just kidding. I don't even know which one is Crackle. They are all cool.


8. Lucky the Leprechaun - Lucky Charms
Lucky is a happy cereal provider. He is always telling people about the marshmallow shapes in Lucky Charms. These shapes include: green clovers, blue diamonds, purple horseshoes, yellow fever, pink eye, black sabbath and agent orange.

7. Honey Nut Bee - Honey Nut Cheerios
A cute little bee that can barely hold the bowl of cereal he offers. Viewers hold their breath during his spots, fearing that he will be crushed under the weight of the milk.

6. Sonny - Cocoa Puffs
Along with #5, the Trix Rabbit, Sonny is one of the mascots that are not ALLOWED to eat his cereal. This makes Sonny and the rabbit resort to chicanery and scams to get a bowl.
On the rare occasions that they get some cereal they immediately go into fits of euphoria.
The bunchojunk.com science lab recently fed both cereals to a rabbit and a bird simultaneously. Within seconds they exploded, leaving a huge mushroom cloud.

5. Rabbit- Trix
See above.

4. Boo Berry - Boo Berry
A member of the "Universal Monster rip-off cereals" along with Frankenberry, Count Chocula (and the extinct) Fruit Brute and Yummy Mummy. Boo Berry makes the list because he has a cool hat.

3. Toucan Sam - Froot Loops
Tells us to "follow your nose, it always knows." I love his decision to rhyme 'nose' with 'knows.'

2. Tony the Tiger - Frosted Flakes
He's grrrrreat. I'm lazzzzzzy, so that is all I'm wrrrrriting.

1. Cap'n Crunch - Cap'n Crunch
The King of cereal mascots, the Cap'n has been on the box since 1963.
Cap'n Horatio Crunch is a sea captain. Born on Crunch Island (located in the Milk Sea) he captains the S.S. Guppy.
Crunch's mission in to keep his cereal from getting soggy. One would think land or air travel would be a better avenue for delivery if keeping the cargo dry was so important, but still Cap'n travels the sea.
So, even though he often looks drunk, the Cap'n tops the list.

Click here to watch a Cap'n Crunch commercial.

Tuesday, September 21, 2004

Handsome Frank: The 14th President of the United States


Franklin Pierce, the 14th President of the United States, had the nickname Handsome Frank. I know, it sounds like the nickname that a pool shark or a hit man would have, but it was the nickname of the leader of the free world.

Frank was born in Hillsborough, New Hampshire, in 1804. At the age of 24 he was elected to the legislature of New Hampshire. Pierce served in the Mexican War and received the Democratic Presidential nomination in 1852.
The campaign used the slogan: "We Polked you in 1844; we shall Pierce you in 1852."

This was tried again in 2004 when the Democratic Party briefly used the slogan "We Gored you in 2000; we shall Kerry a gun and shoot you with it in 2004."

Franks opponent was Gen. Winfield Scott a member of the Whig party, Pierce won with a narrow margin of popular votes.

During Frank's single presidential term (1853-1857) America had only 31 states and no computer animated films about a fish who sounds like Albert Brooks. It was truly a darker age.

Frank's Vice President was a man named William R. King. It is a shame he was only VP and not king. People could say 'Our King is William R. King, our King. William R. King.' They could also say 'I like stupid puns.'

After four years in office, Frank was not re-nominated. This was a major disappointment for him and he reportedly said "there's nothing left to do but get drunk."

And get drunk he did. Frank even ran down a pedestrian in his carriage while driving drunk. After many years of heavy drinking Frank died of cirrhosis of the liver.

On a happier note we now have computer animated films about a fish who sounds like Albert Brooks.




Interesting facts about Pierce:

Franklin Pierce was the first President to have a Christmas tree in the White House.

Franklin Pierce is the only President to have said "I promise" instead of "I swear" at his Inauguration.

Pierce installed the first central-heating system in the White House.

Pierce was the first president born in the 19th century.

He is distant relative of Barbara Bush, mother of US President George W. Bush and wife of US President George H. W. Bush.




Interesting facts I just made up about Pierce:

He insisted on wearing gloves during dinner, but not on his hands.

The Sesame Street character Elmo was based on Pierce's wife.

Pierce’s wife was short and covered in red fur.

In Walt Disney World's Hall of Presidents, he is the only President depicted shirtless.

Often took advice from Postmaster General James Campbell and Secretary of the Navy James Dobbin, whom he called 'My peeps, yo.'

Couldn't pronounce the word 'Washington.' Instead he called the nation's capitol 'Wa-la-la D.C.'

Monday, September 20, 2004

Sexist Candy Bars


In the United Kingdom, England and Great Briton they sell a candy bar called Yorkie.

Yorkie is a pretty common candy bar (with an absurd 23 grams of fat.) What makes Yorkie stand out from the pack is its in-your-face sexism. The candy bar boldly proclaims "It's not for girls."

Ahhh, what a concept! In today's world there is NOTHING left that is exclusive to men. Everything from 'men-only country clubs' to 'male pattern baldness' has become inter-gender.

But, not the Yorkie bar.

Nestle, who makes Yorkie, has mounted the ad campaign to try and encourage men to buy their product by making it more macho than any other. The ads range from silly (a Father's Day bar that read "not for mums") to pretty offensive (billboards encouraging women to "Save your money for driving lessons.")

The BBC recently reported that a woman handing out free Yorkie bars was attacked by an outraged man.
Apparently he complained about the sexist ad campaign, grabbed her by the arm and knocked the candy out of her hands.
Most Britons take the joke in stride, but others have likened it to having racist slogans on candy bars.

Hmmmm, perhaps they should. How about:

M&M's: Not for Canadians!
Kit Kat: Death to the Island of Piuno!
Skittles: Would you want your sister to marry a Kracotian?
Hershey's Kisses: Because white people have no rhythm.

Yeah, that is cool.

Finally, according to a Yorkie ad, here are:
"The Top Ten Things Women Can't Do"
- Make a decision.
- Watch football without talking.
- Drive in a straight line.
- Use ten words when a hundred will do.
- Open a can unaided.
- Use a urinal.
- Own a pet spider.
- Speak on the phone for less than 15 minutes.
- Understand cricket.
- Buy a Yorkie.

Urinals, spiders and chocolate. Mmmmm, doesn't that make you hungry?

Here's the bunchojunk.com list:
"The Top Ten Things Women Can't Do"
- Go to a plastic surgeon and ask for 'a sex change to become a woman.'
- Have an Adam’s apple.
- Name their Adam’s apple Frank.
- Get asked a question, and then say 'I don't know, let me ask Frank', then talk to their Adam’s apple.
- Open a can with their Adam’s apple.
- Become a grandfather.
- Become a grandfather clock.
- Put on a mask, then leave and have people say 'who was that masked man?'
- Be Man At Arms, He-Man's trusted friend.
- Buy a Yorkie.

Friday, September 17, 2004

Lucy the Elephant

I am a sucker for odd attractions, so when I heard there was a giant wooden elephant in Margate, NJ, I jumped into the car quicker than you could say "That's a really stupid cliché, I bet it took you at least 30 seconds to get into your car. As a matter of fact, I bet you didn't even leave until the NEXT day, you filthy liar."


Lucy the Margate Elephant was built in 1881 by a real estate developer who needed to draw potential buyers to the area. Lucy is 6 stories high and is quite a sight to behold.
It must have been even more breathtaking in 1881, a time when architects didn't design such strange buildings regularly.
Sure, today we have plenty of buildings shaped like giant animals, amazing theme park structures, and Las Vegas hotels shaped like a panda bear playing football.
Back in 1881 there was just Lucy the Elephant, the Statue of Liberty and one house with a 3 car garage.

People would come from miles around to see Lucy. They also came from miles around to see that 3 car garage (mostly because cars weren't invented yet.)

In the 1960's Lucy began to deteriorate, and citizens of Margate banded together to save her. They restored her and moved her a few blocks down the road to an area that would suit her better.

Can you imagine that! One day you have wonderful beachfront property, the next day they move an elephant into your back yard. Your view changes from the ocean to... A GIANT ELEPHANT BUTT!


Today Lucy stands as a tourist attraction. For $4 you can go inside and take a look through her many windows or from her viewing platform atop he back. The view is really amazing! (Not as amazing as the Amazing Spiderman, but slightly more amazing than CBS' Amazing Race.)
After you enter the belly of the elephant you can look at some of the artifacts from her history including memorabilia, photos, news articles and Lucy's original tongue.

You also view a brief video detailing Lucy's history.

You can watch the video on Real Playerby clicking here. (If that link doesn't work for you click here and scroll down to Margate. There you will find the video in Quick Time as well as Real Player.)
If that doesn't interest you click here to see the trailer for the 1997 Def Jam film How to Be a Player. Keep it real, DAWG!

Outside Lucy, there is an 'I Love Lucy' snack bar and a gift shop located by her feet.

One of the interesting facts about Lucy, is that a doctor lived inside the elephant for one summer in 1902! That is really strange.

Doctor: You would never believe where I am living right now.
Patient: In a house with a three car garage?
Doctor: No, in an Elephant!
Patient: That is SO strange!
Doctor: I know! Now, let me put some leeches on your chest, to relieve that cold you have. Then, I will write you a prescription for cocaine to relive your headaches. If that doesn't work I will drill a hole in your head to let the evil spirits escape.
Patient: Great, but hurry! I gotta tell my friends that CRAZY story about you living in an elephant!


Margate New Jersey is located about 25 minutes from Atlantic City, 80 minutes from Philadelphia and 42 hours from Hollywood. Drive carefully.

Thursday, September 16, 2004

Back to eBay

eBay is the greatest site in the world. It must be! Nowhere else could such remarkable items be found. Anything you can imagine is online waiting for you to buy it, get sick of it and re-sell it.

Let us browse:

Skeletal hand belt buckle
If you keep saying to yourself "I need to incorporate more Goth skeletal imagery in my life! Also, my pants fall down a lot." If so, this belt buckle is for you!

Modeled after the human hand and made of solid pewter it will ALWAYS look like Calista Flockhart is trying to unbutton your Levis.

In the description the seller writes 'For this purchase buyer pays S&H of $4.00 in the U.S.' Sadly, he forgoes the great puns that could have been made.

My version:
'Buyer pays $4 shipping and HAND-ling. Get it? HAND??? It is a hand belt buckle!!! Wow! Anyway being DEATH-ly serious, we will ship promptly- even though we only have a SKELETON crew working!!!! Beware of hitchhiking ghosts!'

Air Force One Prop Napkin
This is a genuine prop used on the motion picture Air Force One! It is a blue paper napkin with the familiar presidential seal on it in gold.

The description states that the napkin looks like the 'real presidential napkins used by our president.' Odd, I would have thought the president would have used a cloth napkin. Oh well, I guess it is an improvement over the 'paper towel off the roll we picked up at Piggly Wiggly' used the West Virginia Governor's Mansion.

Actually, I think it is cool if the President DOES use paper napkins.
I prefer them, myself.
They are much more absorbent than the cloth ones, but not as classy looking. I have noticed that the MORE a restaurant costs the WORSE the napkins.

I made up a chart:
McDonalds:
Average meal price=$4:
Napkins=A never-ending supply of absorbent paper napkins

Dennys:
Average meal price=$8:
Napkins=1 paper napkin rolled around the silverware

Red Lobster:
Average meal price=$16:
Napkins=1 cloth napkin, somewhat absorbent

Longchamps:
Average meal price=$38:
Napkins=1 polyester cloth napkin, non-absorbent

Chez Petroni:
Average meal price=$180:
Napkins=None, patrons must wipe hands on pants


120 Acres of Land in South Dakota

For only $195 you can own beautiful land in South Dakota! The land is located near the Montana border and has no publicly maintained roads.

Actually, $195 is only a down payment, and you would still need to build a home out there. Still, according to the description, you can hunt antelopes.
Home, home on the range
where the deer and the antelope play,

and then you can kill 'em.

Just make sure if you do go hunting, you wear your skeletal belt buckle and you clean the animal with your Air Force One prop napkin.

WANNA BID?
HUMAN BONY HAND Buckle skull ring Belt Buckle
Air Force One Prop Napkin, Harrison Ford
South Dakota Land 120 Acres, Nice Area, Terms! Cheap!

STILL WANT MORE?
Make sure and read the Old eBay Junk

Wednesday, September 15, 2004

The Steel Pier Diving Horse

There are plenty of shows in Atlantic City, New Jersey.

On any given night, you can catch an over the hill pop star, a smarmy magician or a comedian (with or with out a puppet.) Plus, you can always catch the 'old lady blowing her Social Security check in a slot machine.' But, you CANNOT watch a horse plunge 40 feet into the ocean.

In 1924 Dr. W. F. Carver, a noted plainsman and world champion rifle shooter, was crossing a rickety bridge Suddenly the bridge collapsed and he and the horse plunged 40 feet, and swam to safety.
Excited by the financial prospects of this, he tried it again and again. Soon horses were jumping off the steel pier.

Originally opened in 1898, the Steel Pier has featured some of the biggest names in show business. Big names like Guy Lombardo, Benny Goodman, Jimmy Dorsey, Mae West, Charlie Chaplin, The Three Stooges, Bob Hope, Amos 'n Andy, and Frank Sinatra all played on the Steel Pier.

For over 50 years horses continued to jump making the steel pier one of the premier attractions on the east coast. I can only assume shoving bamboo under a Clydesdale’s hooves and putting Tabasco sauce in a Shetland pony's feed were the other popular attractions.

I am kidding. Actually, the dive DID NOT harm the horse or the rider, who rode bareback. In fact, many veterinarian’s say that horses enjoy jumping into water, and while they don't leap 40 feet off a pier in the wild, the stunt wasn't completely against their nature.

Still, pressure from animal rights groups (coupled with dwindling public interest) caused an end to the diving forever.

The entire Steel Pier closed in 1976, and remained closed for more than two decades. In 1993, the pier was renovated to coincide with the opening of Trump's Taj Mahal Casino Hotel.

Today the pier is full of carnival style rides and amusements. BUT NO DIVING HORSES. For that you will have to drive 6 hours for Magic Forrest Park!

Magic Forrest Park is a small amusement park in Lake George, New York with over 25 rides. Their main draw, however is
Lightning the Diving Horse.

Billed as the ONLY diving horse in America, Lightning dives daily into his own private pool. Unlike the Steel Pier diving horse he dives a mere 9 feet, but he does it RIDER-LESS.

The lack of a rider, Magic Forrest Park points out, is proof that Lightning chooses to dive into the pool. Other shows have been known to prod their horses into performing, but not Magic Forrest Park. They say Lightning loves the water and seems to enjoy diving.

Still, like the Steel Pier, animal rights protests have been mounted. These protests come from a very strange group of people: Mary Tyler Moore, Chevy Chase and Rue McClanahan. Doesn't that sound like a really bad sitcom?

STOP THE HORSE SHOW (the sitcom)
Rue sits on the couch knitting. Mary enters.

MARY: What are you knitting?

RUE: A 'Save the Horse blanket.'

MARY: But you knitted 'Save the hoes.'

RUE: Oh shoot!

Chevy enters in a hurry.

CHEVY: Did someone say there are hoes in here?

Chevy then falls down, Mary and Rue laugh.
END CREDITS

Magic Forrest Park has sent the three actors veterinarian reports on Lightning and an invitation to see at the show in person. So far, they have declined. So, if you are wondering why Chevy, Mary and Rue don't work much anymore, it's simple, they are saving the world from diving horses.

Interestingly, the 1991 Disney film Wild Heart's Can't Be Broken is about a diving horse and a little girl. Gabrielle Anwar plays the kid who joins the circus and rides the horse 40 feet down into the water. The American Humane Association monitored the stunt horse during his jumps photographed for the film and found nothing inhumane about them.

Too bad they didn't check his feed for Tabasco.

Tuesday, September 14, 2004

RUN DMC's Rock Box

I love old rap songs. I am not sure what it is about them. Maybe it is the joy of hearing EVERYONE called a 'sucker mc.'
That is THE INSULT in old rap songs. I wonder if it would work in other situations:

In the movie Dirty Harry:
Clint Eastwood (Harry Callahan): Well, when an adult male is chasing a female with intent to commit rape, I shoot the sucker mc. That's my policy.

Yes, that works much better.

Anyway, one of the first, great, rap songs was RUN DMC's Rock Box. It was released in 1984 on their self titled album.


Let's break down the lyrics:

[Run]
Run.. (Run..) D.. (D) M.. (M) C.. (C)
Rock.. (rock.. rock..)
For you! (for you.. for you..)
Fresh (fresh.. fresh..)

{*guitar solo*}

So far it just sounds like a grocery story commercial, albeit one that sells rocks. It is so comforting, knowing that RUN DMC is making this song "for you."

[Run]
For all you sucker MC's perpetrating a FRAUD
Your rhymes are cold wack and keep the crowd cold lost
You're the kind of guy that girl ignored
I'm drivin Caddy, you fixin a FORD
My name is Joseph Simmons but my middle name's Lord
and when I'm rockin on the mic, you should all applaud

Right off the bat we are treated to a 'sucker mc' and Run's bold choice to rhyme 'fraud' with 'lost.' Brilliant.
I am not so impressed with the elitism displayed at mocking the mechanic for his ability to fix a Ford.
Many people mistakenly believe that the line "I'm drivin Caddy" refers to him driving a Cadillac. This is incorrect, instead, he is referring to how he carpooled with (then) unknown rapper, Smitty D. Smitty D. was a golf caddy at the Bel Ridge country club.
Finally, Run says "when I'm rockin on the mic, you should all applaud." REALLY??? While he is rockin? Wouldn't that make it harder to hear him? Should he say "After I FINISH rockin on the mic, you should all applaud."

Because we're (wheelin, dealin, we got a funny feelin)
We rock from the floor up the ceilin
We groove it (you move it) it has been proven
We calmed the seven seas because our music is SOOTHIN
We create it (relate it) and often demonstrate it
We'll diss a sucker MC make the other suckers hate it

SUCKER MC #2
We're rising (surprising) and often hypnotizing
We always tell the truth and then we never slip no lies in
No curls (no braids) peasy-head and still get paid
Jam Master cut the record up and down and cross-fade

{*guitar solo*}

[Run]
Because the rhymes I say, sharp as a nail
Witty as can be and not for sale
Always funky fresh, could NEVER be stale

[D.M.C.]
Took a test to become an MC and didn't fail

I wonder which MC licensing board he faced? I know the Tennessee Fishing/Gaming/MC Licensing Board has one of the toughest MC exams. Here's a sample question:

1) Which dope word rhymes with fraud:
a. crawled
b. hoochie
c. told
d. none of the above


I couldn't wait to demonstrate
all the super def rhymes that I create
I'm a wizard of a word, that's what you heard
And anything else is quite absurd
I'm the master of a mic, that's what I say
And if I didn't say that, you'd say it anyway

So, to recap:
He is a creator of super def rhymes, as well as a wizard of an (unspecified) word. He assumes that you have heard this, but if you heard something else, that is absurd. He is also says he is a master of the mic. If he had not said that, it would be your obligation to say that he is a master of the mic.
Is that clear? Good, lets move on.
[Run]
Bust into the party, come in the place
See the first things come, the music in your face
Tears down the walls, some of the floor
with the DJ named Jay with the cuts galore

[D.M.C.]
So listen to this because it can't be missed
and you can't leave til you're dismissed
You can do anything that you want to
but you can't leave until we're through

Good God! Now they have begun to frighten me. They are breaking into parties and tearing down the walls and (thankfully) only part of the floor. Then we are told TWICE that we are not allowed to leave during this demolition.
See, we can't leave until we have been dismissed and we can't leave until they are through. I hope they finish up right around dismissal time, so as to avoid confusion.
So relax your BODY and your mind
and listen to us say this rhyme - HEY
You might think that you have WAITED
long enough til the rhyme was STATED
But if it were a test it would be GRADED
with a grade that's not DEBATED
Nothing too deep and nothing dense
and all our rhymes make a lot of SENSE

I'm glad they told me it made a lot of sense. I was starting to wonder.
[Run-D.M.C.]
So move your butt, to the cut
Run amuk, you're not in a rut
Each and everybody out there, we got the notion
[D.M.C.]
We want to see y'all all in motion
[Run-D.M.C.]
Just SHAKE, WIGGLE jump up and down
Move your body to the funky sound
[D.M.C.]
Side to side, back and forth
[Run-D.M.C.]
We're the two MC's, and we're gonna go off
Stand in place, walk or RUN
Tap your feet, you'll be on the one

Tap my feet, and I'll be the ONE? Great that's just what I need, to be singled out as the ONLY guy tapping my feet.

[D.M.C.]
Just snap your fingers and clap your hands
[Run-D.M.C.]
Our DJ's better than all these bands
HUH!!
{*Jam Master Jay cuts then instrumental breaks down*}

[Run] We got all the lines
[DMC] and all the rhymes
[Run] We don't drop dimes
[DMC] and we don't do crimes
[Run] We bake a little cake with Duncan Hines

If you ever need some one to hold a dime for you, Run is the man. He won't drop it.
However, if you need help committing a crime, call someone else.
They may make a cake for you, anyway.

[DMC] and never wear the vest they call the Calvin Kleins
[Run] Cause Calvin Klein's no friend of mine
Don't want nobody's name on my behind
Lee on my legs, sneakers on my feet
D by my side and Jay with the beat

Not a fan of Calvin Klein, I see. Also, he doesn't want anyone's name on his behind. I do! I want Xavier Robert's name tattooed on my butt, like a Cabbage Patch Kid.

[Run-D.M.C.] - (ad libbing to fade)
Jay Jay Jay Jay Jay Jay..
We don't.. we don't.. we don't stop!
Don't.. don't.. don't.. don't stop! (JAY!)
One.. two.. three..
Hollis Crew.. crew.. crew..
For.. for.. for.. for the love now..
Cool T now..
Hah, ?? ..
My, my man Jam Master..
is in his place to be.. (JAY! Jay.. Jay.. Jay..)
The big beat blaster..
?? ..
All, the way live..
Re, remember you don't stop..
Kickin it, and you don't stop..
Rrrrrrrrrock, d-dot, d-dot, rock the spot..
Stick em.. and you don't stop, hah..
Run.. rocks it well, we-welle-well..
a-with the clientele..
Krush Groove..
Young ladies in the place..
We, we we're, we we're we're, we we're we're (bass)
We we're in the hottest space..
Hah.. ??
Homeboys..
Now we're talkin autographs..
Autographs.. and autographs..
Fly girls.. in the place, in the place..
Homeboys..
Hollis Crew.. {*music fades*}

Interesting to end the song with their slow decent into madness, as they begin saying things that mean NOTHING.
We, we we're, we we're we're, we we're we're out of ideas.
THE END

Monday, September 13, 2004

The fast food obsession quiz

Are you obsessed with fast food? Find out with the:
The bunchojunk.com fast food obsession quiz

1. Which best describes the amount of times you go to a fast food restaurant?
a) "Not that often"
b) "About once a week"
c) "Dude, I am at McDonalds, RIGHT NOW!"


2. Grimace is:
a) A big purple gumdrop
b) A deformed Barney The Dinosaur
c) "Sitting next to me at McDonalds, RIGHT NOW!"


3. When people say 'subway' you immediately think of:
a) An underground train system
b) A delicious roasted chicken sandwich on honey oat bread
c) That place I pass on my way to White Castle


4. How did Harland Sanders get the title 'Colonel?'
a) From the governor of Kentucky
b) From Wolf Blitzer during the Gulf War
c) Whoa! I never knew his name was Harland! That's crazy!


5. The Atari 2600 released a game called "Fast Food." In the game a mouth would eat hamburgers, shakes, hot dogs and chicken nuggets.
What best describes your memory of it.
a) I don't remember it at all
b) I think I may have played it
c) Those weren't chicken nuggets, they were chicken legs!


6. The difference between a taco and a burrito is:
a) Burritos have beans in them
b) Burritos use larger tortillas
c) Burritos are 75 cents more


7. The first Ronald McDonald was...
a) ...Willard Scott
b) ...Scott Baio
c) ...Hopped up on crank for most of the 70's


8. Fill in the blank "______________ Go To White Castle" (movie title)
a) The Bad News Bears
b) Harold and Kumar
c) Losers


9. What fast food nickname suits you best?
a) Big Mac (because I'm a big guy)
b) Chicken Tender (because I am tender with the ladies, but afraid of them)
c) Fast food man (because I am not very creative)


10. Chik-fil-a is closed on Sunday because:
a) The employees need to spend time with their families
b) Because they are mocking me
c) its not closed if you know where they hide the key!

SCORING: Score yourself 1 point for all 'a' answers, 2 points for all 'b' answers and for every 'c' answer you have to give yourself a wedgie.

RESULTS
1-7 POINTS
That is a pretty healthy relationship with fast food.
7-19 POINTS
You know your stuff, but you may spend TOO much time eating fast food.
20 POINTS
Dude, Chicken Tender is an AWESOME name! Don't let anyone tell you different!
21 POINTS and higher
You cheated! You cheated on a stupid fast food quiz! I order you to give yourself a wedgie.

Friday, September 10, 2004

An interview with a pair of Zubaz pants


Recently I saw something I have not seen in a very long time: a pair of Zubaz pants.
Zubaz were the bizarre striped workout pants popularized by pro athletes in the early 1990's. I decided that now was a perfect time for:

Talking to things that don't talk

bunchojunk: Hello, Zubaz pants.

Zubaz: Please call me Zippy P.

bunchojunk: What?

Zubaz: Zippy P. That is my new nickname.

bunchojunk: Cool.

Zubaz: Look, kid, you got a question? I got things to do.

bunchojunk: Really? Like what?

Zubaz: I gotta get over to OTB and put some money on a horse.

bunchojunk: What?

Zubaz: I said "I gotta get over to OTB and put some money on a horse."

bunchojunk: What does that mean? Oh, wait, is that slang for "I have to pee?"

Zubaz: Look, never mind that. What questions do you have?

bunchojunk: Okay, Zippy P., how did Zubaz pants, like you, come into existence?

Zubaz: Well, it was 1991. Dan Stock and Bob Truax owned a weightlifting gym. They wanted to design a pair of pants that would be comfortable for bodybuilders. Next thing you know; Bada bing, bada bang, bada boo; I was created.

bunchojunk (scribbling on notepaper): Wait, I missed part of that.

Zubaz: What part?

bunchojunk : I think you said "Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo."

Zubaz: No, that was "Bada bing."

bunchojunk : No, I got that part.

Zubaz: Bada bang? Bada boo? What was it?

bunchojunk : Are you sure you didn't say "Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo?"

Zubaz: Yup.

bunchojunk : Positive?

Zubaz: Yeah. Anyway, they wanted pants for bodybuilders-

bunchojunk : That was it. Bodybuilders. I thought you said "Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo." Anyway, what was it like when the pants became a big hit? Was that cool?

Zubaz: Yeah, it was good, and bad. It was nice to be so popular and all that. But, truth is, EVERY ATHELETE WAS WEARING ME! That was a bad thing.

bunchojunk : Why?

Zubaz: Would you want to be worn by William Perry?

bunchojunk : Hmmmm, with or without underwear?

Zubaz: Uh, with.

bunchojunk : Hot day? Or a cold day?

Zubaz: Either one.

bunchojunk : Does he have keys in his pocket?

Zubaz: No, but he spills things on you.

bunchojunk : Hmmm. I would have to say no.

Zubaz: See what I mean. After Zubaz became a big success, every sports team needed one with their logo on it.

bunchojunk : I understand that in 1993 the pants were available in 64,003 different colors.

Zubaz: Could be. But, you probably just made that up.

bunchojunk : Yeah, I did. What was your favorite color?

Zubaz: I was big fan of the Laker's purple and yellow.

bunchojunk : Cool. Any final words for my readers?

Zubaz: Keep your feet on the ground, keep a song in your heart, and keep extra batteries around for the smoke detector. That saves lives.

bunchojunk : Thank you. You were great. I really-

Zubaz: Ahhhh, get outta here kid. You bother me.

Thursday, September 09, 2004

Great Moments in Taco History

The Taco. America's favorite south of the border delight.

Tacos were invented in 1921 in the small Mexican village of San Quotitos (today known as Little Detroit.)
Paco Escabat ran a small meat and cheese stand. Meat and cheese was a popular delicacy with the locals of San Quotitos. El cookitinos (food cooker) like Paco, would take the meat and fry it on a marble cooking stone. The meat that was used was generally steak, but sometimes chicken or muskrat would be used.
Once the meat was hot enough, the cookitino would crumble aged cheese into the meat. This process was called 'chesitoriating' or 'adding cheese.'
After the meat and cheese was cooked to perfection Paco would place a scoopful on a sheet of paper.
Hungry workers would line up for the cheese and meat hungrily gobbling it up off the paper.

In 1921 President Warren G. Harding sent his Foreign Affairs Minister, Ted Ladlely on a trip to Mexico. On his way through the countryside, Ladlely stopped in San Quotitos.
Seeking to try the local dishes, he ordered meat and cheese from Paco's stand. Due to a communications error, Ladlely rolled the paper around the meat and cheese and begin to eat the food WITH the paper.
Ladlely choked to death on the paper, but Paco was inspired.
The next day the taco (now with a tortilla, rather than paper) was introduced at his stand.

The taco was brought to the US by soldiers during the Mexican/American war of 1922 (started due to the assumed murder of Ted Ladlely.)

Today, fast food restaurants sell almost as many tacos as they do hamburgers. Lets take a look at some of the more popular taco eateries:

Taco Bell:
The nationwide leader in taco sales. Offers MANY different kinds of tacos including:
Double Decker Taco Supreme
A crunchy, corn taco shell filled with seasoned ground beef, crisp, shredded lettuce, real cheddar cheese, cool sour cream, diced ripe tomatoes wrapped in a layer of hearty beans and a warm, soft, flour tortilla.


Green Burrito:
Part of the Carl's Jr. chain of restaurants, Green Burrito has offered customers a bold choice with their Naked Chicken Burrito. They offer taco taste without the carbohydrates. Instead, meat cheese and lettuces is served with chips on the side.


Del Taco:
The second largest Mexican/American eatery chain in the United States. Their menu includes the:
Big Fat Steak Taco
Grilled steak , secret sauce, lettuce, cheddar cheese, tomatoes, fat taco bread (similar to Taco Bell's Gordita bread.)


Taco Time:
Started in 1960 in Oregon, this Taco restaurant has over 225 locations in the united states. They offer a few different takes on the taco including:
Baja Fish Taco
A crispy fish fillet deep fried to golden perfection, wrapped in a home-style flour tortilla, topped with fresh tomato salsa, rich cheddar cheese, crunchy cabbage and our very own chipotle ranch sauce, served with a fresh lime wedge.


Jack In The Box:
With over 2000 locations nationwide, Jack In The Box is primarily known for their hamburgers. Still, their tacos are very popular. One of the most popular is:
Jack's Chicken Monster Taco.
Made with ground chicken, Jack’s Chicken Monster Taco features a crispy, corn-tortilla shell, American cheese, shredded lettuce and spicy taco sauce.


El Pollo Loco:
El Pollo Loco is a restaurant chain specializing in flame-grilled chicken,
burritos and New Mex dishes in California, Arizona and Texas.
One of their most famous is the Taco al Carbon which loosely translated means "I mark to the Coal." What does that mean? Who cares!! It is like a David Lynch movie you can EAT!

What is your favorite taco?

Wednesday, September 08, 2004

My Fair Muppet

Kermit the Frog is a star. The Jim Henson creation has appeared on the Muppet Show, Sesame Street, countless TV specials and has been enshrined on the Hollywood Walk of fame. Let's take a look at his first film.

The Muppet Movie
This is really an awesome film. It was remarkably innovative when it opened in 1979, and still holds up today.
Plus, more celebrities show up in this film than at a Betty Ford clinic ice cream social. I'm not kidding. Edgar Bergen & Charlie McCarthy, Milton Berle, Mel Brooks, James Coburn, Dom DeLuise, Elliott Gould, Bob Hope, Madeline Kahn, Carol Kane, Cloris Leachman, Steve Martin, Richard Pryor, Telly Savalas, Orson Welles and Paul Williams ALL APPEAR!

The film opens with a beautiful helicopter shot of Kermit sitting on a log in the middle of the swamp strumming the banjo.
Kermit sings 'Rainbow Connection,' possibly the most beautiful song every sung (at least by a frog.)
Many people don't know that during this scene Jim Henson had to be submerged under the swamp. The scene was actually quite dangerous, as his air supply was minimal.
After Kermit finishes the song, a BIG TIME HOLLYWOOD AGENT rides by on a boat. The agent suggests that Kermit leave the swamp and come to Hollywood (they need frogs in Hollywood.)
Kermit is reluctant to leave but the thought of 'making millions of people happy' is too powerful.

Along the way Kermit meets up with Fozzie who is TRYING to do comedy. Fozzie agrees to join Kermit because Kermit reasons "If they need Frogs, then they probably need Bears, too."

What? That is probably the most bizarre concept EVER, oh wait! A FROG IS ON HIS WAY TO HOLLYWOOD, I guess anything is possible. Still, Kermit seems to be making quite a leap.

If Mike Dika said he wanted to be coach of the Chicago Bears, does that mean that he would want to be coach of the Florida Fighting Frogs, too?

If a stock broker said he wanted a bear market, would he want a frog market, too?

If a fairytale Princess went to kiss a frog so he would become a prince, would she have to kiss a bear, too?
Actually, that would be pretty funny. She and the bear could fall in love and they could live in the palace, but then he would spend too much time watching sports, and she would say "Bear, I'm leaving you!" Then he would say "Fine! Who needs you? You worthless Tramp!" Then, she would run away and take his cave and half of his fish.
That would be great.

Anyway, Fozzie & Kermit are on the road. They meet up with Doc Hopper who is planning on using Kermit as the spokesman for fried frog legs. Kermit refuses to sell out. I am not sure why. Spokesman for a fast food company is good work. Why go all the way to Hollywood with no experience, when you could have a great demo reel featuring all of the commercials you have done?
Plus, he wouldn't be the first spokesman who IS the product he shills for. Look at Mr. Peanut from planters and The Pillsbury Doughboy. THEY OFFER THEIR OWN CHILDREN FOR YOUR EATING PLEASURE!!!!

Since Kermit says no, one would assume that Doc Hopper would simply move on and find a different frog. Since he OWNS a frog leg restaurant, a frog should be easy to find. Or he could be like Hamburger Helper and just take a discarded glove and have him be your spokesman. Also, he could be like Arby's and just rip off the Helping Hand by having a talking oven mitt.

These would ALL be good alternatives, but instead Hopper chooses to spend ALL of his time relentlessly pursuing Kermit. He is like the Coyote to Kermit's Roadrunner, the D.A. Tom Sneddon to Kermit's Michael Jackson, the OJ Simpson to Kermit's real killers. Yes, Hopper is on the hunt.
Will he catch him? Will they get to Hollywood? Will the Pillsbury Doughboy become so overcome with grief that he tosses HIMSELF into the oven? I don't know.

To conclude, the Muppet Movie is funny, sweet and probably the most extravagant puppet show EVER. If you haven't seen it in years, you MUST take another look at it.
Now, I gotta go find some frog legs, I’m starving!

Tuesday, September 07, 2004

Eat like a pro wrestler

Lately bunchojunk.com has been running a bizarre series of articles on pro wrestling themed restaurants.

Why pro wrestling and food? What is this strange desire and when will it end? Will we someday see a Mideon & Viscera’s German Deli? Or a hamburger stand called Kamala's Kitchen?

Who knows. Bottom line is, the concept of a pro wrestling eatery has been tried in Atlanta, New York City, Las Vegas and uh... whatever town the Mall Of America is in.

Well, as they say, DINNER IS SERVED:



WWF New York 1999-2003

It was a bizarre time in American history. Professional wrestling was so big, that the WWF opened their own theme restaurant. But, they didn't open the restaurant in some mall in Ohio. They opened it in Times Square.

A Brief History of Times Square:
Long before it became common practice to name EVERY stadium in the country after a brand of shampoo, this intersection was named for the New York Times.

This concept sent shockwaves across the nation leading to Utah's...
(to continue click here)




Pastamania! 1995-1996


On Labor Day 1995 the Mall of America in Bloomington, Minnesota welcomed its newest eatery: Hulk Hogan's Pastamania!.

The Mall of America opened in 1992 and is the largest shopping and entertainment complex in the WORLD (take that Gupreets' Camel-a-rama in downtown Libya!)
The mall is host to hundreds of shops and attractions including Camp Snoopy.
Camp Snoopy is an indoor theme park with over 30 rides and seven acres of fun. That's 4.5 acres more fun than...
(to continue click here)





The WCW Nitro Grill 1999-2000

1999 was a good year to be a pro wrestling fan. The Rock and Mick Foley wrestled as the 'Rock and Sock Connection', the 'Mean Street Posse' faded away and for a brief shining moment fans could choose from TWO wrestling themed restaurants.

The WWF New York restaurant in Pittsburgh (just wanted to see if you were paying attention) and the WCW Nitro Grill.

It seems only right that the two federations would have competing eateries. At the time they competed EVERYWHERE. On Thursday night the WWF presented Smackdown! and the WCW presented Thursday Night Thunder. On Mondays it was WWF's Raw Is War against WCW Monday Nitro.

So, it was only logical to make the restaurant an extension...
(to continue click here)





Abdullah the Butcher House of Ribs & Chinese Food 1994-Present

Abdullah the Butcher, hardly a household name, but a legend in pro wrestling circuits. Abdullah was famous for his crazy, blood soaked matches. He was known to bring a fork into the ring and use it to carve up his opponent.

Today, in addition to a light touring schedule, he runs Abdullah the Butcher House of Ribs & Chinese Food.

Just west of I-285 in Atlanta, the restaurant is a cafe setting with photos of the Abdullah hung on the walls. In addition, two of his title belts also hang in the dining area. But, the best part about the restaurant is Abdullah.

On most days Abdullah sits in the dining area and answers questions and poses for photos. Think about that! That would be like going to Burger King and seeing...
(to continue click here)

Abdullah the Butcher House of Ribs & Chinese Food 1994-Present


Abdullah the Butcher, hardly a household name, but a legend in pro wrestling circuits. Abdullah was famous for his crazy, blood soaked matches. He was known to bring a fork into the ring and use it to carve up his opponent.

Today, in addition to a light touring schedule, he runs Abdullah the Butcher House of Ribs & Chinese Food.

Just west of I-285 in Atlanta, the restaurant is a cafe setting with photos of the Abdullah hung on the walls. In addition, two of his title belts also hang in the dining area. But, the best part about the restaurant is Abdullah.

On most days Abdullah sits in the dining area and answers questions and poses for photos. Think about that! That would be like going to Burger King and seeing the Burger King himself delivering royal proclamations to a tray of onion rings. Or, like going to a Sonic Drive-in and having Sonic The Hedgehog... deliver royal proclamations to a tray of onion rings.

Abdullah thanks people for coming and comes across as a generally sweet fellow. Imposing figure aside, he speaks in the kindest of voices.

Abdullah says he always wanted to open a place featuring two of his favorite foods barbecue and egg rolls.

The barbeque selections are smoked on the grounds and include ribs and chicken.
The unique thing is that it is served side by side with Chinese food.

One of the selections is "Abdullah's Favorite". For just $6.99 you get a mix of miniature shrimp, beef strips, green peppers, baby corn, carrots and mushrooms sautéed in a sweet sauce and served with a side of fried rice.

Abdullah's has been open for over 10 years. As he did in the ring, he has surpassed many of his younger competitors. His restaurant has outlived the COMBINDED life spans of Hulk Hogan's Pastamania!, WCW's Nitro Grill and WWF New York.

Monday, September 06, 2004

Appliance Direct

I was a lost soul once. I needed guidance, I needed a purpose. Then, one night, in a hotel at Walt Disney World, I found my purpose.

TO SPREAD THE WORD OF APPLIANCE DIRECT!

I was staying at the beautiful Animal Kingdom Lodge. The Lodge has a savannah FULL of wild animals you can watch from your balcony. When I arrived, I sat on the balcony and heckled the giraffes.

ME: Hey giraffe! Go back to Toys R Us! Nobody wants you here! Why don't you take your long neck and go get me a Power Ranger, Mister... uh... long neck.

Yes, I could have done that for the whole week. But, then I found Appliance Direct. Appliance Direct is a chain of appliance stores in the Orlando area. You could find anything from a dishwasher to a washing machine (for dishes.) They run an incredibly bizarre series of infomercials telling you how to tell if your appliances are junk. Since I had no appliances with me, I decided to heckle the giraffe again.
ME: Hey giraffe! What's up with that Easy Bake Oven, that is not a well made appliance! Not like the Electrolux Range that I can get at Appliance Direct.


The star of the infomercials is Sam.

SAM LOVES APPLIANCES.
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Not in an unhealthy-Uncle Chris and the eggbeater-way, but with maniacal deep affection.

The Appliance Direct Site is great. There are in-depth articles about what type of oven cooks a turkey the fastest and whatnot, but the highlight is Sam. Some of his commercials are on the site as well. Let's take a look:






White Porcelain: In this spot Sam shows up in his TV wardrobe: a white t-shirt tucked into his denim shorts.
Sam is about 3 Snickers bars away from having to un-tuck the shirt to better hide his gut. I love Sam!
Sam starts off by telling us how a washing machine works. Damn he's smart! Then he tells us the best kind of tub for a washing machine is 'white porcelain.'
He reasons, that it is "very smooth, won't stain" and "very strong, won't scratch." Sounds good to me, but, thirty seconds ago I didn't know how a washing machine worked.

For all I know this could all be lies.

Still, while I may belive that porcelain is a miracle tub, why only in white? Why not a blood red tub, or some booger green porcelain?
The best part about this spot is how he pauses before he says "white porcelain." Plus, he says it about 50 TIMES! SAM RULES!
Sam ends the spot with some stream of consciousness rant about plastic toilets. Priceless.



30 Second commercial: Sam really picks up the pace for the shorter 30 second spot. Sam also shares the spotlight with co-star 'The Woman In The Green Dress.'

Green Dress, who I think was one of the girls on The Magic Garden, spends much of the commercial shutting things. She shuts microwave doors and freezers and then she smacks a truck TWICE. I bet that hurt her hand.
She and Sam both shout crazy expressions at us like "Don't pay retail" and "Same day delivery."
Sam spends the commercial perpetually in motion. He is really movin'! In fact, play it with the volume off while listening to Pink Floyd's 'On The Run' and he looks like he is dancing. Then, next time some moron tells you about watching the Wizard Of Oz while listening to Pink Floyd, you can tell him about 'The Dark Side of Appliance Direct.'

Then hit him with a baseball bat.




Convection: In this one Sam tells us we won't see "a fancy retail displays" at Appliance Direct. I guess grammar doesn't matter when you are talking about appliances. The he tells us that bad appliances lead to high power bills. The astute viewer will notice Sam is HOLDING a power bill as he says this. Nice job acting with a prop Sam!

I wish he had said "We will cut your power bills, by selling you better appliances." Then, he could cut the power bill in half. The next shot could show him in a dark room calling the power company, explaining that he "couldn't pay, because he cut his bills in half for a TV commercial." Then, Green Dress could laugh at him.

Next, Sam shows us how a convection oven works. Did you know there was a fan in there?

I did.

Of course, I once spent the night in one.

Sam announces he is going to do a cooking demonstration! But first, Green Dress shows up to smack around some stoves. You go girl!
Sam cooks THREE chickens and then tells us how good they taste in the oven with the fan.
THREE CHICKENS! I guess he will have to un-tuck that shirt soon! Then he tells us our oven is a 'piece of junk.'
True, but it is a comfy place to spend a Friday night.

There are plenty of other spots and articles on The Appliance Direct Site. I HIGHLY RECOMEND YOU VISIT!

Friday, September 03, 2004

Greatest movie bowlers of all time

10. Axel (Chuck Aspegren) - Deer Hunter
Yes, there was bowling in the Deer Hunter. Aspegren, who oddly NEVER ACTED AGAIN, played Axel. Axel is the stand out bowler in the scene due to his commitment to the game. After rolling the ball, Axel chases it down the lane. True, this is not within the rules, but it is funny.

9. Arnie (Jeremy Piven) - Family Man
Arnie and Jack (Nicolas Cage) are neighbors, and like ALL good neighbors, they bowl together. Arnie has some skills on the lane, but it is his skill OFF the lane that puts him on the list.
Jack is thinking of cheating on his wife, but it is Arnie who talks some sense into him. This Buds for you Arnie!

8. Buck Russell (John Candy) - Uncle Buck
Yes, aside from making awesome pancakes, Uncle Buck is a bowler. He takes the kids out for a night at his favorite bowling alley, ensuing another generation of Russell’s will knock down pins.

7. The Bowler (Janeane Garofalo) - Mystery Men
Sure, it is quite a conceit to call yourself THE Bowler, but who can resist a bowling superhero? The Bowler uses her special bowling ball to STRIKE down TURKEYS and SPARE the innocent. Puns are stupid. I am sorry for that whole strike/turkeys/spare sentence.

6. Michael J Fox (Daniel McTeague ) - Greedy
A film about a bunch of people trying to get a dying relatives money. Michael plays Daniel, a pro bowler.
Too bad he wasn't Marty McFly, then he could have thrown the ball 1.21 jiggowatts faster. Or he could have gone back in time and stopped himself from appearing in The Hard Way.

5. Head Pin Pal (Monti Ellison) - Six-String Samurai
In one of the greatest movies no one ever saw, Buddy is on his way to Vegas to be crowned King. Heavy Metal, is doing everything he can to stop him. Three of the goons that Heavy sends after Buddy are the Pin Pals.
The Pin Pals conceal knives in their bowling pins, so they are always ready to rumble.
Of the three Pin Pals, it is the head Pin Pal who is most intimidating with his shaved head and bad attitude.
When he sees Buddy's suit he udders the words no one will ever forget.
Head Pin Pal: Nice tuxedo. Nice tuxedo to die in.
Indeed.

4. The Dude (Jeff Bridges) - The Big Lebowski
As laid back as a La-z-boy recliner (in the reclined position, or turned on it's side) The Dude is the perfect counterpart to Walter's uptight bowling prowess.
Ever the underachiever, the Dude would be more comfortable at number four than number one, and that is where he is.
Sure, he may have been willing to bend the rules for Smokey, but you gotta love a guy who listens to audiotapes of bowling matches.

3. Roy Munson (Woody Harrelson) - Kingpin
So what if his name is slang for loser. So what if he loses the big game. Roy, is a LIKEABLE LOSER. You root for him, even though he always lets you down. It's like being a Milwaukee Brewers fan (if there is such a thing.)

2. Donny (Steve Buscemi) - The Big Lebowski
The Dude was the star of the story, but Donny was the star of the team. Bucking conventional wisdom Donald adopts the nickname Donnie, but opts for the Swedish spelling 'Donny.' Thus, he gets to correct people who misspell his name all the time. Donny throws the ball hard, as he so eloquently puts it 'I am throwing rocks, tonight.'
Sure, he gets John Lennon confused with Vladimir Lenin, but who among us HASNT? Can you honestly say that you have not heard Let It Be on the radio and asked yourself "Is this the Beatles? Or that guy who split with the Left Social Revolutionaries and renamed the Bolsheviks the Russian Communist Party in 1918?" I bet you cannot.
Donny throws strikes throughout the movie, but at the end, he misses. Soon, Donny dies of a heart attack. If only his heart were as big as his bowling ball. Of course, that kind of anomaly would probably have killed him sooner.

1. Fred Flintstone (John Goodman) - The Flintstones
Old 'Twinkle Toes Flintstones' tops the list. Were you expecting anyone else? Fred, the predecessor to Homer Simpson, is possibly the greatest bowler that ever lived.
Playing alongside his Water Buffalo brethren, Fred took the sport to a new level. Always bowling on his tippy toes, Fred knocks 'em down like few others.
Plus, if he is stuck with a 7-10 split, he can make the ball split halfway down the lane to get both pins.

Thursday, September 02, 2004

The WCW Nitro Grill 1999-2000

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1999 was a good year to be a pro wrestling fan. The Rock and Mick Foley wrestled as the 'Rock and Sock Connection', the 'Mean Street Posse' faded away and for a brief shining moment fans could choose from TWO wrestling themed restaurants.

The WWF New York restaurant in Pittsburgh (just wanted to see if you were paying attention) and the WCW Nitro Grill.

It seems only right that the two federations would have competing eateries. At the time they competed EVERYWHERE. On Thursday night the WWF presented Smackdown! and the WCW presented Thursday Night Thunder. On Mondays it was WWF's Raw Is War against WCW Monday Nitro.

So, it was only logical to make the restaurant an extension of the Nitro program.

The Nitro Grill opened in Spring 1999 inside the Excalibur Hotel in Las Vegas, NV. On March 24, 1999 Monday Nitro aired highlights of the opening party. Many of the WCW superstars were on hand for the party. Sting (the wrestler, not the singer) showed up without his usual face paint. He said he hoped a menu item would bear his name.
Ever the card, Kevin Nash said there would be a lima-bean casserole named after
Sting (the wrestler, not the 1973 movie.)

Here is Kevin Nash's recipe:

Kevin Nash's Krazy Lima-bean Casserole

Ingredients
1. lima-beans
2. casserole

Preparation: Put lima-beans in casserole. Injure yourself picking up the bowl. Brag to nurses about playing Super Shredder in a Ninja Turtles film. Overhear nurses mock you behind your back. Cry yourself to sleep.


After the big opening party, WCW Nitro Grill welcomed it's first customers. "Where the Big Boys Eat" was the slogan, and eat they did. Moderately priced, dinner costing around $20, the food was mostly American with hamburgers and the like. One dish was a hamburger named after wrestler Bill Goldberg, The Goldburger.

In addition to food, a full sized gift shop stood inside the restaurant. Everything from Nitro aprons to a water bottle shaped like Sting (the wrestler, not what happens when a bee injects poison through the base of it's abdomen into your body.)

Sixteen months after it's opening, WCW Nitro Grill closed it's doors forever. Many excuses were given for the lack of customer interest. For one thing, it was at the south end of 'The Strip' in an area that gets little foot traffic. Also, WCW's popularity had already begun to dip at that point.

Mostly, though, it's lack of customer interest was probably due to the lack of lima-bean casserole.

Wednesday, September 01, 2004

Monsters, demons and teddy bears

Hey! It's convention time! It's that time, when bloodsucking vampires and heartless demons come together in one place. No, not the Republican National Convention; It's the Monster Mania Con 2!

(FYI: Feel free to substitute 'bleeding heart' and 'Democratic' for 'heartless' and 'Republican.')

The Monster Mania Con 2 was the THIRD most anticipated sequel this week (just behind Anacondas and Baby Geniuses 2.)

This convention features B-list celebrities, roundtable film discussions and dealers selling ALL sorts of paraphernalia connected to horror, comic books, sci-fi, pro wrestling and any other form of entertainment popular with weirdoes that still live in their parent’s basement.

This year’s guests included:

Verne Troyer:
Star of the Austin Powers films and stuntman for ALL KINDS OF CREATURES. Troyer has played a creature in Wishmaster, a goblin in Harry Potter and an alien in Men In Black.
Troyer has also played a baby gorilla TWO times! Could you imagine what his resume looks like?

Verne Troyer

1987-1990 Paperboy
1990-1997 Cashier at Woolworth
1998 Gorilla
1998 Gorilla

I would hire him on the spot.

Oddly, 'gorilla' is not the strangest thing on his resume. He did stunts dressed as a baby for the film Baby's Day Out.

Verne seems to be a genuine nice guy with a handshake that is MUCH firmer than you would expect.
People often say that famous people look taller on TV. This is TRUE with Verne! Verne is 2’ 8" and looks even smaller in person. Vern was sitting at a table next to the 3' 6" Phil Fondacaro (Return of the Jedi, Troll) and Phil TOWERED over him. It was like seeing H. Ross Perot sitting next to... uh... someone much taller than him.

Ingrid Pitt: Star of the Vampire Lovers and Wicker Man, Pitt was a sex symbol in several early 70s films.
It was somewhat strange to see her today in her sixties, sitting with her husband. They looked like a typical set of grandparents, EXCEPT GRANDMA WAS SIGNING TOPLESS PHOTOS OF HERSELF FROM VAMPIRE LOVERS!!!!

Fan: I'd like an autographed photo
Ingrid: Okay, sonny-boy. Do you want the head shot or one of my nudie pictures?
Fan: Uh, nudie I guess. Wait, are they new or old nudie pictures?
Ingrid: Old
Fan: Old? Does that mean the photos are old, or your body is old in the photos?
Ingrid: The photos are old. I was young in them.
Fan: Shucks.

Tony Todd: Star of the Candyman horror franchise. He is not actually made of candy (and he does not like when people try to lick his hand.)

Also on hand were Robert Englund (of the Freddy Kruger films), scream queen Caroline Munro and two of the Creature from the Black Lagoon stars.

The main problem is the price for autographs can get pricey. Especially when many of these celebrities are not recognizable to... uh... ANYONE!!!

Horror Fan: Look at these photos.
Regular person: Oh, who is this?
Horror Fan: CJ Graham.
Regular Person: Who?
Horror Fan: The guy in the Jason costume in Friday The 13th Part VI.
Regular Person: And, who is that?
Horror Fan: Kane Hodder.
Regular Person: The wrestler?
Horror Fan: No. He was also Jason.
Regular Person: Hey! This other guy works at Ralphs!
Horror Fan: No, that's Jason from the first film.
Regular Person: Yeah, but doesn't he work at Ralph's Supermarket on Gower Street?
Horror Fan: Yes.

The fact is, even if you are a big Texas Chainsaw Massacre fan, you don't know what Leatherface looks like without the mask!

The man under that mask, Gunnar Hansen, looks more like Kenny Rogers than a chainsaw-wielding killer. In fact, maybe Kenny was performing nearby and just showed up. He pretends to be Gunnar for a few hours and makes a few extra bucks.

Most of the celebrities took part in panel discussions. My favorite was Roger Corman.

Corman took part in a Q & A. Every sentence Corman uttered was greeted by a 'Yeah baby' by some idiot in the third row.

Corman: First I worked on Highway Dragnet.
Idiot: Yeah baby!
Corman: The studio chose the title to play off the TV show Dragnet
Idiot: Yeah baby!
Corman: I was distressed when I made it because my best friend had died.
Idiot: Yeah baby!


In addition to Corman, there was a Doctor Shock tribute, a Women of Horror panel and stand up comedy from Don "It Came From Hollywood" Reese.

They also showed films including Spider Baby, The Hazing and Wickerman.

The convention ran for three days: Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Attendees had the choice of either a daily admission of $15 or a $30 weekend pass.
The admission ticket was a wristband in blue, purple or green. This caused plenty of anger with attendees that did not want the purple wristband to obscure their mark of the devil tattoo.

Each day held different films, different events and different foul odors from the attendees.

I suppose shower day was Thursday and the further we got from that the worse it got.

Another wonderful aspect of the convention was the dealer room. This is the best place to get something for that weird cousin that no one likes.

Tons of horror books, videos and other knickknacks were on sale. Really odd stuff.

Some of the things I saw:
-an 8X10 photo of Charles Bronson driving a truck
-a bootleg Star Wars Holiday Special DVD
-a Freddy Kruger bobble head doll
-teddy bears with chainsaws

The teddy bear toys seemed to be very popular. They had bears holding every kind of lethal weapon you could think of (but not Lethal Weapon 4, even teddy bears have limits!)

I am going to release a similar line of toys.

A TEDDY BEAR
holding:

a broken bottle, or

a Q-Bert Atari cartridge, or

a box of Cinnamon Life, or

the cremated remains of Teddy Ruxpin


Perhaps I will launch them at next years Monster Mania Con 3!